I think it's all about the individual and like any other label/term, you adjust as needed depending on who you are speaking with.
I personally don't care if someone says "deaf" for me even though technically I'm hearing impaired. Handicapped fine, disabled...I don't like. No one is going to know my preferences on this so if it comes up in a convo or I'm addressed, I'll make my preference known. I'm just not that offended by this stuff though and find it harder to watch people fumble through all the terms they think are "pc" and are uncomfortable trying to make sure they don't offend me. lol!
I use the same logic on here. If I were to talk to Susan in a thread, I'd use Nmom out of respect for her preference. If I were responding to Paige, I'd use bmom, because I know she doesn't care. See what I mean though? I try to use the term that the individual uses themselves. In general convo I do fall back on the standard "bmom" b/c it's so common. If I know a person prefers another term though, that's the term I try to use.
I never say "lost to adoption" because I find it offends more than not. For a lot of women who made a definite plan and choice regarding their child's adoption, I find it offends them because they don't feel they lost their child to adoption but rather made a plan for their adoption. But again, for those moms who did indeed lose their children in the BSE and other eras, I can see why they use that phrase.
I'm married to an adoptee and he would never use adoption survivor because he doesn't feel he was in a place of survival etc. So just another difference.
It all comes down to personal preference and also I think too, it comes down to remembering that most are not intending to offend with whatever term they use. Obviously I don't believe that any derogatory term should be supported or used. Incubator etc. no no no!