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I bonded, attached with my first child so much it frightened me. I'd never felt such a feeling, one look in her eyes was all it took. The first few years of her life I was probably over-protective. Wouldn't leave her with anyone, not even grandma. I had the most terrifying nightmares of things happening to her. The nightmares and daymares were so bad I didn't want anymore children. The fear kept her an only child for 10 years.
When I had my son I think I distanced myself a little on purpose. I "allowed" his dad to be the one who bonded the most with him. Dad was his primary bath giver and transporter to and from daycare, favorite playmate, the one he called for when he was hurt or scared. After a couple of years of burying myself at work I realized it left me as the medicine giver, the nose blower, the toy picker upper, the cook, the mom, but not the mom like his sister had.
Somehow I managed to stop it. I got jealous of my sons and husbands close connection. I knew what it felt like. But I was happy for them, and happy for my husband to feel that, like I had with my daughter. He's the one with the nightmares LOL But it brought our entire family much closer. My son and I have always been close, and very very close today. But I think I did attempt to distance myself from my son at first because of fear of loosing him, or the fear of thinking about loosing him. As in, if I didn't allow myself to get that close, it wouldn't hurt as bad if something happened to us.
Today I say phoey on it, give me the nightmares, we are feelin the love in full force now, and if something ever does happen to separate us, I hope it hurts me so bad I die. I don't care if it hurts, I am not afraid of the pain if we can enjoy the love fully right now today.
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