[quote=drevans1]Hello, ive only been a member of the site a few minutes, but wanted to express my thoughts and goals. Im a single 26 year old female, who wants a family more than anything. Im as single as they come
and though im not ready to give up, i just dont ever see myself with the typical scenario of meet a great guy, settle down, have a bunch of cute kids and live happily ever after. Its what i pictured my life would be when growing up, but i feel like the older i get the farther and farther i get from that plan. I can not and will not be childless, i may have no control over whether or not i fall in love, but having children is something i will do, and possibly through adoption. I basically have a few ( well, a lot) of questions, and although i know theres no exact answer to most of them, i just want to know what others have done in similar situations.
1) What ( in your opinion) is a good age to begin the process? If i havent had children the old fashioned way in the next couple of year should i begin when im, 30? 35? i dont want to be an old parent, but at the same time i dont want to give up on my original dream too soon. When do you throw in the towel?
1. I think you start at whatever age you feel you are mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically. If you meet the one while you're on your adoption journey, then if he's the right person for you it won't scare him off. (Michelle Pfeiffer was dating David E. Kelley when she adopted her daughter and it didn't scare him off. They got married at their daughter's christening when she was less than a year old.)
I got the baby bug when I was 27ish and it didn't let up. I read all I could decided what type of adoption was right for me. Life threw me some MAJOR curveballs, but I kept swinging and never gave up on my dream to be a mommy. My belated birthday present came home exactly one week after my 29th birthday. I had officially began the process when I was 28 1/2.
Three kids later, I would still like to marry and I haven't given up on that dream. But on the same note, my life is complete with these three. We are a family. And I"m thrilled with my family.
2) From day 1 of first meeting with someone to set up the adoption process, how long would it be until i ahve a baby? (I KNOW I KNOW it varies)...but is 2 years average? 5 years?
2. The average wait is 2 years. My first adoption via foster care was 26 1/2 months long. This was with me not starting classes right away. The adoption itself after placement took 19 months. My son came home at 5-days-old.
My second adoption also through FC was 15 months from the time I turned in my second application in. My daughter came home at 6 1/2 months.
My third and probably final adoption was an international one and it was 19 1/2 months from the time I turned in my dossier to the time I legally adopted my daughter in her birth country. She was 11-months-old when I adopted her.
3)Have you found that domestic or international adoptions are more suitable for single parent adoptions?
So many international countries are now closing to singles. Off the top of my head only Russia and Kaz are fully open to singles. I hear some agencies are putting quotas on singles for Ethiopia.
For me, private domestic adoption and me were definitely not the right fit at the time. Though after coming on these boards, I have found some families that have done adoptions where they were only open to babies where TPR has already happened. I like that idea.
Fost/adopt is not for the faint of heart. It is grueling and tough. If you can't imagine loving and caring for a child for months on end, knowing at any moment a CW could call or come and take your baby, then this is definitely not the road for you. This road has crushed my heart, gave me sleepless nights, and worry beyond belief. God is the only way I got through this process.
Though on the upside for fost/adopt, it made me appreciate the long, quiet, seemingly endless wait of international adoption seem like a walk in the park. Families I waited with who had only adopted internationally would complain about the wait or this or that, but I thought to myself I'd take this any day over the rollercoaster that is fost/adopt.
I rolled with the punches when my 9 month int'l adoption wait, turned into a 12 month wait, which then morphed into before Jesus comes back wait. I got a little anxious when my country was going to stop all referrals, but I got in under the wire 2 days before. I then waited another 4 months from accepting the referral to traveling. But I took it all in stride.
I enjoyed the 11 days in my daughter's birth country and being able to spend one on one time with her without the every day distractions.
4) Will i be looked at as 'mean' if i say i dont want a disabled child? i may want one some day, im a nurse and i feel i could benefit them, but being in my 20s with a first baby, knowing you are going into it as a single parent, i just think having a 'normal' ( not politically correct i know, im sorry its 2am and i cant think) child would be hard enough! i dont mean for it to sound like i want Baby#1 as a trial baby, but i just dont think i can handle any serious disabilities.
You wouldn't be mean. My homestudy said I wanted a healthy child. For fost/adopt I was only open to some drug exposure. I figured all I could ask for was healthy, then whatever came our way medically afterwards I figured we would handle.
Both my children adopted domestically had in utero drug exposure. They are both beautiful, brilliant children who are as healthy as a lark. My daughter, who was adopted int'l, has no real medical history. So far she has been very healthy and her ped has been amazed at her progress.
5) is it hard to get a domestic baby? is it easier for international adoption to get a young baby? it doesnt have to be newborn, but somewhere around toddler age or younger i would prefer.
If you want a newborn, then going private domestic or foster care are the only two ways to do that. 1 is the average age of most kids who are adopted internationally though developmentally they are usually not on par with the average American 1-year-old. After my daughter was evaluated shortly after we came home, the only area she was on target age wise was cognititively, everything else she is delayed. Being home these past six months have gone a long way, but she's still slightly delayed.
You may have to wait longer in private domestic adoption because you are single, but maybe not if you're open to race or gender. Best of luck!