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August..
I am an adoptee, whos known my birthfamily for many years, born and placed in the 80's, and although I have had a wonderful upbringing with adoptive parents who love me more than anything else in this world...I can relate to some of your sentiments.
There is a lot of joy in my adoption- even for me. But I am painfully aware that I am forever cut off from my genetic heritage- that the history of my family does not include me. I am also painfully aware that although my birthfamily is genetically related to me, the family "experience" will forever be lacking in my birthfamily.
It seems, sometimes, that I have 2 sets of parents that make the "whole picture" rather than the traditional 2. One gave me life and genetics- the other raised me and gave me love. When I have children, will they be as celebrated by their grandparents and aunts and uncles even though they are not biologically related to them? Or will my parents love my brother's sons more because they are their biological grandchildren? There are always questions.
Being placed for adoption has me displaced from thousands of years of genetic evolution.
But 100 years from now, if someone digs me up and traces my DNA to see where I come from- they will trace me back to Texas, to my birthfamily, to the tree from which I was plucked at only a few months old. Other than on paper, which doesn't last forever, there is nothing connecting me to my family that I love, that I live with, whom I will cherish until the day I die.
I fit perfectly into my adoptive family. I love them more than anything. I feel almost in tears as I write this, overcome with my love, heavy with the loss I cannot seem to escape.
Adoption is not easy, August, and I dare anyone to tell me differently. You have a right to your feelings- but please do not take them out on your birthmother. As Raven said, it was a different time. Many birthmothers from that era dont feel they SHOULD search, as that's what they were told. Maybe your birthmother is deceased, ill, or maybe she was told never to speak about you again.There are so many possibilities it's unfathomable.
I'm sorry you have had such a bad experience with your adoptive family. It must hurt. I can feel your hurt all the way here in New York.
If someone digs me up 100 years from now, my bones will point to my birthfamily, my hair to my birthfather- who shares the color and wave of my own locks. My bone structure to my birthmother- who is the same height and build as I am.
But my teeth, which collect minerals and other trace elements based on location, will show traces of a childhood in New York City, of college in Boston and upstate New York- of years living in the southermost part of Sicily- of my life and my home and my family who I love. 100 years from now their will still be proof that I lived and loved within my family, that I grew up in the city where my father was born, that I walked the streets of Brooklyn all my life just as my mother and father did, just like my brother who is theirs biologically did. Nothing can take that away from me.
We are all a mix of 4 people, August, all adoptees are.
I am sorry about your experience. I am sorry for your pain. You are angry at your birthmother, and you have a right to be. Maybe you should be angry with her, I cannot say. But do yourself a favor and think about it carefully, think carefully how you judge one of the only parents in your life, who, judging by your anger in your post, may have tried to do what she thought was best for you.
People make choices. Sometimes those choices are wrong. Work through your anger, talk to someone. If you feel you want to search- do so. You may be pleasantly surprised...
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