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The adopted parents need to be the ones to let her know that she is adopted if for no other reason than because it's the right thing to do. And I can almost guarantee that the one to catch the wrath of that poor girl will be the one who tells her that she is adopted.
As has happened before (many of us here have talked with others in that position) she will probably lash out at everyone and at everything in a major tantrum (for lack of a better word). If you go and tell her that she is adopted, then the chances of a meaningful relationship or reunion are greatly diminished. You are a total stranger to her right now. Imagine how you would feel if a total stranger came and told you something that would tear apart your belief in your family?
It is unfortunate that her world will be turned upside down and I feel for the turmoil that she will be dealing with. Once that settles and she comes to grips with the situation and deals with her feelings toward her adopted parents will you stand a good chance becoming part of her life.
With all of that in mind I have to stand by my original advice now more than ever. Give her more time. And keep in touch with her adopted mother and hold her feet to the fire. If push came to shove though , I would not tell her. I defer back to the stranger analogy. You could set yourself up to be made the bad guy and once that label is applied it is hard to get rid of.
Of course her adopted parents love her very much. I think that is why adoptive parents don't tell their kids. They think that if they tell them that they may lose them and they don't want to lose what they love so dearly. If she were to ever ask you how they could do that, then give her that explanation or something similar. Even though they screwed up, let them save
The good news is that she will probably want to know more about you when she finds out that she is adopted. Especially if her adopted mom tells her that you came looking for her and that is why they ended up telling her. There's just going to be a lot of healing to be done over the next few years.
I certainly feel for you and you have my 100% support in this hard situation.
Best wishes.
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