Ditto what SuddenlySusan said. I was hesitant to say anything, but I think I'd be having another conversation with amom, too. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for your daughter.
I'm wondering if push comes to shove, if you should consider seeking her out when she is 19, and just let her know yourself. I know that is a huge landmine, though, and I'm not sure how crucial it is that she hears this news from her mom. I mean, what if her mom NEVER tells her? Maybe some adoptees can chime in here. If your amom never told you, would you want your bmom to seek you out and tell you??
I am sorry, kelly, that you are going through this. I would be devastated, too.
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Again, I'm so sorry that you are being treated in such an undeserving manner. My son's amom told him at a young age that he was adopted...she also told him everything she knew about me. When I read about situations such as yours, I become ever more grateful that she was a woman of honor.
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My son's mom was the same way and I couldn't agree more with your sentiments in this regard. They also kept a semi-open arrangement with me his whole life, even though this was not something agreed upon formally at the time of adoption. I can't fathom being cut off after a promise was made, but I especially can't fathom not letting a child know they were adopted!
I know in many cases, adopted children who aren't told suspect something nevertheless. In some cases, they even know, perhaps finding out through other people. Maybe your daughter has an inkling and it won't come as such a shock to her. We can only hope...