I took a little time to sit back and look at the situation logically from all sides before attempting contact again.
Given the agreement made at the time of the adoption (photos & updates, her being raised with the knowledge that she was adopted) I decided to call the adopted mom and let her know that we wanted to establish contact. My instincts told me that E. had never been informed...however I believed if she had been raised as agreed then the fact that we exist should not come as a total shock.
The amom spoke with me for about 10 minutes and confirmed that E. has no knowledge that she was adopted at birth. She said that there has never been a good time to sit her down and tell her, but that they have had discussions around friends who were pregnant and hypothetical situations regarding adoption.
The amom said that she wants the news to come directly from her, and that some time "in the future" she plans to tell E. that she was adopted. She did not correct me when I reminded her of our original agreement, she just kept saying there had never been a good time to tell her.
I go back to our original agreement; if she hasn't found time in the past 18 years to tell her then why should I expect that she will inform her in the near future? I let her know that we're not a threat to her bond with E., but that there can't be too many people in the world who care about you, and that E. has the right to know the rest of her story. I hold on to the promise the amom made and that's what keeps hope alive.
So I guess it's sit back and wait time again. I'm sure the amom believes what she's doing is right for E. I am not completely shocked (my gut told me E. didn't know) but I am dismayed to find our agreement was never upheld. She took down my number and agreed that when E. was told that she would be provided with the information. Ok...
I feel like her birthfather and I are a dirty little secret.
Surprisingly I'm not a crumpled mess on the floor, but maybe that will come later. This really is quite the emotional rollercoaster.