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I may be Pollyanna about this, but I do believe that change can be made through effort. I also believe that something good can come out of something bad. In my spiritual world, we may not see the good, but it is there. Maybe that's not true, but I like to believe it. It makes life a whole lot easier. For example, the two worst things that ever happened to me were the death of my friend at 27 and my husband's ex-wife (don't even get me started on malicious mother syndrome.) Yet if those things hadn't happened, I would not have delayed having children. I would not have the children I have and I would not be as good a mother as I am at this time in my life. Also, we filed a complaint with the state regarding a counselor that the ex-wife took the children to. As a result of our actions, that counselor signed a plea agreement and is undergoing intense interventions. It appears the courts have stopped utilizing her because of what she did to us. Our children were victimized, but we were pro-active to stop that from happening to other children.
If I had been given the choice--do you want your friend to die so you can birth and adopt a baby, do you want to see your (step)children suffer--I would have said no. The living must be prioritized over the fantasy children. I would have given up children all together to stop either horrible event. However, I wasn't given that choice. These bad things happened. The only thing I could do was look for the gifts that came later and be proactive when I could.
The complaint we sent to the state had so much documentation included it was literally about 2 inches thick. It took a lot of work to compile that and we were not certain how the state board would respond, but we needed to do it to try and prevent others from being harmed as we were and it did work out for us.
So as I was reading last night about all the pain and suffering birthmoms are living with, sometimes for decades, my proactive side kicked in.
I am a stepmom. I think that is pretty much a judged category just like birthmoms. We get to be the evil one in all the Disney movies. I have to be aware of that, but I do not let it stop me. Someday when my little ones are older I may write a book called, "Three types of mom" talking about what it's like to be a stepmom, bio-mom, and adoptive mom. (The love for each type of child is the same, there are just different realities that must be attended to with each way the child entered my life.)
So I say, don't accept societal judgments. Be aware of them so you can edit what you say, but don't allow yourself to be victimized. Don't allow others to be victimized. Make something good come out of your suffering. It is a whole lot easier for me to get up in the mornings knowing that I took on a very shrewd woman. It helps that I was victorious, but even if I'd lost, I could live with myself because I tried.
Maybe letter writing isn't the answer, it was just a train of thought. Maybe someone out there is talented enough to write a book. Maybe someone out there will raise her head high as she talks to the cashier in the checkout stand about how much she loves her baby. And oh, by the way, I found the perfect adoptive family. I am so glad I gave my baby the best start in life possible. No willingness to be judged. No acceptance of the cashier's possible discrimination. An in your face attitude. I am a great mom because of how much I love my child. And maybe that cashier has a brief moment of, "Oh, maybe birthmoms do love their babies." Not a huge step, but a necessary one.
The Berlin wall came down because a bunch of courageous people banded together to say ENOUGH. Just like the clink in the wall of the above mentioned cashier, those people all clinked the wall down with little motions. We have choices in life. I say choose to turn the suffering into something positive. The other choice is to accept the suffering. Where does that get anyone except miserable?
I hope I'm not coming off as, well...something. Remember, I was attacked for loving children I did not birth. I was accused of loving them too much. I did not accept that and now I have a very happy life. There is sadness over what happened with the (step)kids, but I cannot let that rule my life or it would destroy me. Life is too short for that. I am glad I found the good that came out of the bad (and believe me, it took a very long time to find the good, but it is there.)
I have to go and I hope these words are helpful and not hurtful.
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