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This is a bit different situation but might help. My parents were relative foster parents for a sibling set of my cousin's kids. After leaving my parents' home (for various reasons) and going to different foster families, my parents still went to visit them every so often (the only family who was allowed to do so). Now, the kids are back with my aunt (their grandma) and in the same county as my parents. My parents have offered to keep them on the weekends, which they were taken up on. The older ones no longer come, I think because they need a break from babysitting the younger ones. If something is going on and my parents can't take them, then they let my aunt know and they don't come out. It has worked out pretty well as the kids still get to see a 'normal' family functioning together and they get to go to church. It also keeps my parents in contact with them more and lets the kids know there are more people out there who care for them.
I hope you can figure something out that works for both of you. It really is a fine line to walk. If I ever want to take the kids somewhere, I ask my parents to ask my aunt ... I stay out of it. Now, family functions ... that is interesting as my aunt and cousin let the kids get away with a lot and my parents don't. At least you won't have to deal with that part.
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