[ScrapMonkey]

Honestly, I have never been anything more painful in my life as TTC and watching everyone around me get pregnant. We had one ectopic pg on Clomid, the only time we ever conceived. We borrowed money for one -- and only one -- round of IVF which failed miserably (23 eggs retrieved, not one viable embryo). In the middle of that one round of IVF we left the fertility center and I looked at my husband and said, "If this works, great. We are adopting next time. If it does not work, I want to feel sorry for myself for a while and then we will look into adoption. I can't do this again." It failed, we were done. We'd already talked about becomg foster parents someday, so it was an easy choice for us to adopt through foster care.

I was able to go to my first baby shower without falling apart after a two and a half year old boy was placed with us for adoption. From that momet on I started to heal. Then we got a call about his baby brother who I brought home from the hospital as a newborn. More pain chipped away. We adopted those two boys and have two more foster kids.

I did not know my pain was gone -- and I do mean GONE -- until about a year ago when I wasn't feeling well in the mornings, was getting naseous when I smelled fried food and hadn't had a period in a while... it hit me like a ton of bricks that I might be pregnant. I cried, and not good tears. I honestly felt that it would have been the WORST possible thing for me to be pregnant and I sat in the bathroom and cried over how stupid it all was. The only humor I found was buying a HPT... how many dozens had I purchased over the years hoping for a positive test? And now I was PRAYING for a negative test. ETA: It was negative!

I have much clearer perspective now. Thankfully. But I have to say I have never for one moment been sad about not being pregnant. I know MANY, MANY women want that experience, I just wanted a child. As far as my kids, the only thing I regret in our journey was the bonding we may have missed during breastfeeding. Other than that, I feel complete and I think I let the pain go the day our first son came home. And I prayed and begged and bargained with God, I asked for signs and made a lot of promises He knew I could never keep... and he still not only matched me with my children, but healed the deepest, most grueling pain I've ever known. He healed it, it's gone.