[dklevy]

Over the years I have bumped into SE's father a few times. Just that quick "hi how are you still alive? K see ya 'round" kinda thing. When I tracked down SE's address and decided to send a letter directly to her parents, I included bdad's myspace site, the only contact info I had. Then 3 days ago I get a request from his wife on myspace and from him on facebook. I was so shocked and nervous too, but I accepted right away. It's such a weird mix of emotions. [Like everything seems to be when it comes to adoption.]

Little background.... bdad was a rebound relationship. I was 20, already a mom, and going through a divorce from a then abusive partner. My cousin set me up and all I wanted was to not hurt. Couple months into it I was pregnant. Wake up call! Bdad was NOT who I wanted to spend my life with but he was all for jsut getting married. He was against the adoption and tried to talk me out of it but didn't try to stop it. He was by no means a bad guy. Just not the right guy for me. He never got to see SE. I don't think he ever got any pictures either.

Back to present... His wife hasn't sent any messages or anything yet. I have sent him a few massages back and forth. He asked me to post pictures of SE. I already had some up in a private album. He was thrilled. Then he asked to have their address because the agency won't help him either. I gave it to him but I am scared that they might get mad at me for doing so. I never got a reply from the one I sent them and don't know how they feel about me finding them. But bdad has med history to give. His dad just died and I didn't have any of his history to give her parents. I really hope they understand.

Bdad wants to meet up to see all of the pictures I've gotten before her parents stopped communication. I offered, but I am very nervous about it. My husband doesn't seem to like that we are talking. He views my having had someone elses baby badly sometimes even though he has 2 kids with his exwife. It's strange and I've talked to him about it but talking doesn't always change feelings. I don't feel guilty about placing SE, but I do often feel guilty about allowing myself to get into the position to have to make the decision.I know my choice hurt bdad. It certianly hurt me and my family. I'm hoping SE will be well adjusted but I don't know without hearing from her parents.

I know I've opened up a can of worms. Can't stop any of it now. I don't really want to but it scares me all the same. Just gotta sit back, ride it out and keep doing what I feel is best.

Thanks for listening!