[MilehighDad]

anilorak13ska,
Goodness, that is a tangled mess. It doesn't sound to me like you've done anything wrong in submitting the private homestudy. I doubt that you were eliminated in the two matches because of any real problem with your approach, but there are probably some things that you can try to tackle in a different way to put yourself in a better position.

First off, when adopting from out-of-state, the ICPC system was set up so that you wouldn't need a homestudy because the distant state could request and pay for your homestudy in your state. Due to practical limitations, though, now that only really happens when relative placements occur. That is what your SW was talking about when she said the other state could request a homestudy. Also, since you have not one, but two approved homestudies, you are actually in really good shape.

Second, take a minute and think about the perspective of each agency you are working with. The private agency is a pay-for-service arrangement, and they are only interested in helping you adopt from foster care out-of-state when there is money in it for them. They may be willing to do the post-placement visits, but again they'll get paid for that. The public agency is doing your homestudy and working with you, but their interest is in finding homes for the kids that are their responsibility. If you go out-of-state, they basically lose a family to place a kid with. Different public agencies have different policies on how much support they will give, but often it is not very much. However, your SW is probably incorrect in stating that your homestudy is not the "right one" to send out of state. Pretty much, a homestudy is a homestudy, the only difference is that they intend to use YOU as a resource therefore they don't want to give it away.

So, you're struggling with both of them because neither has a vested interest in helping you. We struggled with this exact issue, as have many others, so you're not alone. But, so far I have found no real solution to this problem. There are some work-arounds, I'll list a couple although you can't do both in any one case.

1. If you find out who is the clerk who sends out homestudies for your public agency, you can provide a consent form and get the public homestudy sent. How would you find that out? - a friendly SW, apparently not the one who told you it was a "resource" homestudy. I would suggest calling someone high-ranking in the agency and tell them you want to send your homestudy. At the same time, remind them if you do make a match out-of-state that they will be reimbursed for the cost of the homestudy by the sending state.

2. Keep having your private homestudy sent, but follow up on your own. Often the listing organization will provide contact information if you request it. They may want to give the contact info to your SW, but explain to them that you don't have a SW interested in making calls for you and they will probably just give you the contact. If you can't get contact info, then start from scratch. Every public agency in the country has public phone numbers, and you can just start calling until you track down the person responsible. If you don't even know the county the child is in, this is going to take a while, because you'll have to start at the state level, ask for state adoptions, ask them to track down the correct county, call the county, ask for adoptions, ask for them to track down the child's adoption SW, call the child's adoption SW, call the child's adoption SW, call the child's adoption SW. . . you get the picture. I think I called our latest girl's adoption SW about 150 times, because if I got her answering machine I would just hang up and call back later. There is often no point in leaving messages because they won't call you back. Also, about 15 minutes after their work day starts is a great time to call. . . .

I'm sorry that you're going through this, there should be an easier way. Everyone in private and public agencies says they want more foster kids to be matched and adopted but there is no easy way to go outside your local public agency. When you talk to both of your agencies, don't be above begging and laying on a guilt trip about what you're trying to get done.

Most of all, you've really done what you need to the last two times. As long as your homestudy is in the hands of the committee making the match you're in the running. They'll either pick you, or they won't. Striking out two times really isn't surprising, you will just need to keep trying. Since you are considering relatively young children, there will often be many families submitting homestudies, possibly a dozen or more.

Finally, make sure to also get in a letter stating why you are interested in this particular child, why you want to adopt in general, and what makes you a good family. You might get that letter into the inquiry form that you fill out from a Heart Gallery or photolisting. You might be able to reply with that letter when they contact you and say to send a homestudy. You may be able to just send the letter after you have talked to an adoption worker. Or, you might want to ask your private agency to attach that letter to the homestudy when they send it. Anything you send will get saved and put in your file, SW's are great collectors of information. You might even try to sneak in a family photo with the explanation that "you just want them to be able to see what you look like since it is likely that some of the possible matches will be people they know." That worked for us . . . .

Good luck!!!