Dear Kitty,
You ask if all reunions are horror stories -- and I reply to you with a most emphatic NO, NO, NO. The vast majority of reunions that I've helped facilitate over these many years have resulted in the formation of positive, healthy, lifelong relationships. I had never heard of so many "horror stories" until I joined these forums a couple years ago.
As a previous poster pointed out, be prepared to find yourself experiencing unexpected, very strong emotions. This is so totally normal, but it does come as a shock. You may be feeling great with your birthmom one afternoon, and then later that evening find yourself seething with anger at having been relinquished. That is so normal and somewhat to be expected.
The "pullback" that Peachy talked about is normal, too. It happens for both sides of the triad. Rather than thinking of it as pullback, I believe it to be a time of evaluating new feelings, old feelings, experiences, etc. And sometimes, it's just a need for some space and breathing room.
I've been in reunion now for 19 years with my son. We've developed a very strong, healthy relationship. In fact, I don't even really like the phrase "in reunion". The reunion, itself, was a one-time event. The relationship we forged as a result of that reunion is a lifelong one. We very much are family nowadays, and like any family relationship, it has its up's and down's. When my son goes into "quiet mode", it's really not all that different than when my brother or I do the same thing with our mother -- sometimes we just need a little space. I thnk a lot of it is just family dynamics. (It's hard for me to remember my own advice when it happens, though, lol.)
Developing a relationship with your birth family has many of the same elements that come into play when developing any long-term relationship. You're going to be just fine...honesty, patience, willingness to forgive each other, active listening -- these are virtues that go such a long way in any relationship.
One other thing comes to mind... Chances are really good that your temperment and some aspects of your personality will be similar to your birth mother's. With that in mind, you might want to ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you do encounter any uncomfortable issues. I know that the times my son and I have gone thru conflicts of any kind, it always hits me like a ton of bricks at some point that he's reacting the same way I do. And that realization mostly results in my understanding the situation better. Does that make any sense?
