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I don't know if anything triggered that "bad day" except the dream I had. But it seems like I prepare myself for days I think will be bad.
Anyway, I also think that if I were to go back to the same circumstances, I too would still have surrendered. However, I was very much a victim of those circumstances. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was not really given any other viable choices. I was sent to a church run foster home 3 months before I delivered so I could hide my pregnancy. Did I go kicking and screaming? No! I thought I was doing what was right to protect my family and myself. But I was separated from my family and my boyfriend. I did not receive "counseling" until I got there. The "counseling" consisted of 30 minute sessions once a week with a psychologist who told me that I could not be a good mother and that my baby deserved a mother and a father who were married and in good standing with "the church." We NEVER discussed the possibility of me keeping the baby. I was not allowed to hold my baby until I left the hospital and only then for a few minutes at the agency before I signed the papers. Etc., etc. My story has been told by many women here time and time again. My point is that the circumstances were not in my favor - and in my opinion not necessarily in favor of my son. My regret is that the circumstances were not different. Maybe if circumstances were different - if I had KNOWN just a little bit about the so-called "choice" I was making - I wouldn't have so many regrets.
Today is the birthday of the son I lost to SIDS 22 years ago. It hurts. I really can't even think about his death it was so traumatic. But I also know that I could not have done anything to change what happened. And although the loss was/is horrific and I will never really get over it, I have grieved. I can't think of anything that anyone could've done to change what happened. I think that helps me come to terms with his loss. I miss him and what might have been. But the loss due to adoption has not been properly dealt with and I don't know if it ever will. In many ways they are tied up with each other. The day my son died, I remember thinking how unfair it was that I had to suffer the loss of two babies. I am sure each loss exacerbates the other.
It is hard to explain... as most of you have already said - you have to be a birthmother to "get it," although I am sure many have the emotional capacity to empathize and offer sympathy and understanding. Thanks for that!
Deb
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