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Originally Posted by peregrinerose
I differ. I don't think I "deserve" to be called 'mom'. My son didn't choose to have the life he did, he didn't chose to be in foster care for 15 years, he didn't choose to have 3 failed adoptive attempts over the years. He didn't even really choose us... we were his only option, versus staying in foster care, and we were the lesser of two evils.
I chose to adopt due to motivations entirely of my own, same with my husband. That doesn't make us 'deserve' a title. Love and bonds are hard to build, and an adoptive parent needs to have a far stronger ego than one that gets rattled just by not being called 'mom' or 'dad'.... seriously, if that's the biggest problem in your life, you're in good shape!
As long as our son is respectful toward us, I don't care what he calls us. He usually does call us mom and dad, but he also refers to a lot of other people by the same titles.. 30 foster placements will do that to a kid.... how many moms and dads have these kids seen? There's nothing special about the title to many of them, it's been warped over the years.
What matters is what's in that child's heart, the trust and love that takes years to grow.
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THANK YOU>>>THANK YOU for attempting to understand how it is for the child.
For those of you that are de3manding respect Ihave to ask ...you really think them calling you mom is going to garnish automic respect???? They may do it because they are powerless and have been there whole short little lives ..but you will NEVER force the feeling behind it. If in fact you have the urge to call them the kid I adopted as opposed to my child, if you can not understand that adoption was for them and not to just give you a tiltle then why did you adopt? This hit my heart like a ton of bricks...I cna't imagine as ana doptee, an older on being forced to call anyone anthing if I didn't feel comfortable.
OP...I think maybe its more of an issue of respecting your childs feelings and the trauma they have been through. I beleive that your child has a hint that how they feel is unimportant then they may mouth the word mom but not mean it...it can't be forced and no matter how good you are to them they have been so hurt from the adults in their lives, even the onesthey call mom, they can not even fathom calling anyone elsae mom. IF in fact you continue to respect the hurt they have been through, respect how they actual came to you to be mothered, respect their feelings evetually they will come to a place that they call you mom and mean it.
Isn't that a risk you take when you adopt older children?