[geogdeb]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted as much here as I did a few months ago. I think we often get to a place in - at whatever point in the "adoption process" we are - where we aren't as obsessed or as needy as before. Or maybe just aren't as needy as we are sometimes. For those of you who don't know me, I relinquished almost 30 years ago and have been in reunion for over 3 years. It has been a good reunion - I have been lucky. My son is great. He lives several states away and we don't get to see each other much, but we do talk often. He isn't very emotional about the adoption (unlike me) and treats me like a good friend. He is a very enjoyable person.

I used to be on this site almost everyday. The emotional roller coaster of search and reunion made this site and the friends I made here invaluable - thanks for that. I would like to say that I have dealt with most of my issues "moved on," but I don't think that is possible even in the best of cases. For example, I had a dream last night that my favorite niece had a baby and was going to relinquish without even seeing the baby (like I did). In the dream I was at the hospital begging her to take the baby home and at least try to parent, or at least take some time to bond with the baby before she relinquished. In the dream I was so upset at how she would feel and the grief she would suffer that it was almost unbearable. Thankfully the dream actually ended well in that she changed her mind, but I woke up feeling that never ending grief and loss most of us are familiar with. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO FEEL THAT WAY let alone someone I love like my niece (who is not pregnant by the way). I have been teary all day. I just have to think about adoption for a minute and it sets me off again.

I know loss. I not only lost my firstborn to adoption, but my last born to SIDS. I thought I had dealt with both losses well. I think of myself as a reasonably well-adjusted happy person. But here it is 30 years later and I still can't deal with the loss of my firstborn. When I talk to him or think about him I always wonder what it would've been like to raise him - to hold and love him as a baby - to watch him on his first day of school, etc.

Anyway, it has just been a hard day. I am glad he didn't call me today. I don't know that I could've talked to him without being emotional and I don't think he would have been comfortable with that.

Thanks for "listening"! It is so nice to be able to come back here and know there are others who understand.

Deb