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[quote=lalgee]You know, there were so many people back then that decided FOR you that you weren't good enough to take care of a child, and they decided that the father of the child was some kind of terrible person that you shouldn't be able to talk to about his child. And, they decided that you needed to hide away so that they weren't embarrassed by you and your child.
The language above just sums that up. "mother was sent" "not allowed to speak" - but everyone still has this notion that we bmom's "chose" to lose our child to adoption and the bdad's just "walked away" scot free. It wasn't like that at all. Outward appearances look like that, but that was all it was - an outward appearance manufactured by those closest to us so that they would either not be ashamed or exposed.
It takes a long time to right that wrong. I am so glad to see bdad's here expressing their feelings, which were largely ignored or rejected so long ago.[/QUOTE
As I have thought about my reunions, and what it was like for my BPs, I just can't accept that my Bfather didn't suffer, not the same guilt, shame, etc, as my Bmother, but he didn't get off scot free either. The post above says what I've been thinking. It was really a sham to hide Bfather's families embarrassment, just as Bmom was sent away, and told "don't bring that baby home". I think Bdad was told, maybe without words, just ignore it and it will go away. I'm not sure saying it was easier for Bfathers is fair to them. It was just different, and it was also the same, in a way. Granted they didn't carry a child for nine months. I think, in a way, they were told to "forget" and "get on with your life:, sort of the same as Bmothers, but in a different way, if that makes any sense.
It's that "outward appearence" thing thatreally explains my Bdad's denial of his responsiblity in our reunion. Before the results of our DNA test arrived, he would say to everyone, including me, "If you/she is my daughter, you/she are going to be a part of my life." His insistance that his name was on the birth certificate, his conveniently telling everyone he didn't know he had a daughter, leaving out the fact that he did know my Bmom could have very well been carrying his child, but never followed through to find out for sure. He put a lot of effort into portraying himself as not the kind of guy that would abandon or turn his back on his child had he "known". He actually, in deep denial I suppose, told me , when I mentioned to him that Bmom wanted to talk to him, "I think I would say to her, thank you." Thankyou? Bmom's can you imagine the Bfather of your child thanking you and how you would feel if that happened? Talk about a man in denial. My first thought as the adoptee, was "Are you nuts!" Granted he was in a high emotional state of joy over being found at the time, but I'm thinking "thank you" wouldn't have gone over well with Bmom. Nope, wouldn't have gone over well at all.
The whole society and the "outward appearence" thing explains my granparents reaction, it explains everything. The sad thing, for me, is that no one seemed to get past it. We've all suffered because of it.
To the birth fathers, thank you for sharing, and please continue do so. Your thoughts and feelins do mmatter.
Quantum, it took me 16 years to finally get the courage to contact by birth father. It was the fear of rejection by him that made it so difficult. I think, in my adoptee's point of view, and basing my thoughts on what my Bmom had told me, I thought if he could turn his back on me as a unborn child, it wouldn't be much of a stretch for him to do so as an adult. That fear was all consuming when I contacted my Bfather. Turns out, in my case, rejection was what I got in the end. I truly hope it works out differently with your Bson. For mem that "fear of rejection" was much stronger with my bfather than my bmother.
JD, I hope you hear from your Bdaughter soon. Just go slow, and best wishes for a successful reunion. Please keep us informed. Also, keep in mind that what I've said about my fear of rejection was "my" feelings. Your BD may not feel that way at all.
Thank you everyone for posting. I hope everone will keep sharing. For the person who was asking about bfathers being forgiven easier than bmoms. As an adoptee, and speaking for myself, that isn't true. IMO, both of my BPs share responsibility in what happened. It takes two to tango.
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