[loveajax]

I think Jen is really right on (I am an a parent and married to an adoptee....in both situations, my DD and DH are "secrets" from siblings). I also think that it may be better to tell the kids you have raised first and deal with that (maybe it will be no "big deal" to them, maybe it will, I don't know). To tell you the truth, I think it is hard for an adoptee to learn that they are a "secret" to other birth family members.

I can't tell you what the best is re: timing. It seems some adoptees would love to be contacted at 18. My husband went to the agency to put his name in in case his birth mom wanted contact after he graduated college (they have recently had email contact....he is 43). My SIL said she wanted to contact her birth mom when she was planning to have children herself. My BIL says he never wants to be contacted or reach out to his birth family. I just say all this to say even in one family, three people can feel differently about reunion.

I think most kids at 18 are trying to "break away" from their families and trying to live independently, etc. so it may be a hard time to try to reunite. It's really hard to know...but ultimately I think it is at least worth trying, with the understanding that she may not be ready (and the understanding of how hard it may for you, your wife or your other children to be patient).

Best of luck to you and your family!! I hope things go really well!