John, all the previous posters have given you very wise advice. I feel it's really, really important to prepare yourself in advance for reunion -- in my case, that meant listening to the stories and experiences of young adoptees in a triad support group that I started attending a couple years before my son turned 18. Keep posting here, and listen, and share...so many people have been where you are right now.
I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. His was a closed adoption (1972), but through a series of circumstances, his parents were able to contact me thru the adoption agency when he was 14. For the next few years, we were able to correspond thru the agency, which acted as a third-party intermediary. By the time he was 16 or so, everyone pretty much assumed we would reunite as soon as he turned 18. Actually, I think his parents wanted him to meet me before then, but the laws in California during the late 1980's prevented it.
Reuniting with a teenager is a different ballgame, in my opinion, than with a full-fledged adult. Although your primary relationship will be with your daughter, I think it's really important to involve her parents in your reunion, especially if she's still living at home.
My son never went through the stage that so many reunited adoptees seem to go through about conflicted loyalties. And I'm convinced it's because his parents and I put a lot of effort into forming our own relationships. His folks and I never competed with each other in any way, and we treated each other with a lot of consideration and respect. It wasn't always easy...some days it was downright hard. But it was extremely important to me that our son not feel torn between his parents and me. Also, by communicating with his mom and dad, I think they were able trust me more easily and not be so afraid that I was going to rock their world upside down. And I think in the end, it made the whole thing easier for my son to deal with.
One thing I want to warn both you and your wife about is this... you may both suddenly find yourselves experiencing feelings and memories that you buried deep inside when you relinquished your daughter. I can't tell you how many times I've had birth moms tell me how all these unexpected feelings and emotions came to the surface when they reunited with their children. It's important, IMHO, that the grief and loss be addressed in a healthy fashion. That's why I almost always advise birth parents to emotionally prepare themselves before actually reuniting. For many of us, that means some type of therapy or support groups. If you're in need of any type of recovery, now is the time to do it...twelve-step programs have been a godsend for many of us.
Welcome to the journey of a lifetime...
