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Hiya. Birthmom here. Usually lurking, but today I thought I'd post.
There may be more bmoms here than you know, but like me, just can't bring themselves to say anything. We're here, though, and learning how to deal with it all.
Myself, I'm still reeling after almost 26 years. I'm still a scared little 14 year old. I'm still devastated that he denied contact (or did he?). I used to be (pretty recently) very angry at myself and others pertaining to my son's adoption.
I want him in my life. I love him so much. I always have.
To express those things above is extremely difficult, especially wanting him in my life. Are others out there saying "too bad, you signed that right away. He nor his parents OWE you anything. You are not entitled to have him in your life."
I know that. That's what adoption is all about - the law. The LAW says he's not my son anymore. The LAW says he's "protected" from me. The LAW says only they have rights to know him. The LAW says I'm not his parent.
But my heart says, I AM his mother. And my heart says I need him in my life. And I wonder why I am hated and despised by his family, after I lost a piece of my very heart and soul as they gained their heart's desire.
Someone wrote in my journal one day as I asked why why why? - they answered "you made the wine and only you have to drink it". That is exactly the kind of response that keeps me from posting here. How cold and uncaring it seemed when I read it. Yes, I know that it is true. Yes, I know all of this is my fault. Yes, I know I messed up. Yes, I know. I don't need a reminder - I am painfully aware of it every nano-second. I made my bed, and now I have to sleep in it, right?
I'm here, though I may not post for fear of those responses. I have a feeling there are many many more like me, in the shadows, just "getting on with our lives" like we were told.
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