Hey All,
I have been wanting to "e-talk" as it were about the courthouse; about the experiences those two days. No particular order. I just need to share. I hope that's alright with everyone. Feel free to jump in and comment if you like or to say "good grief" and turn on the Wings/Penguins game instead. Can't say as I'd blame ya; sometimes my thoughts ramble and others don't necessarily want to ramble with me.
Anyhoo...I have noticed as the fog continues lifting that there were two strange occurences in my experiences at the courthouse both times.
One was that dang, accursed clock. There it was YET AGAIN that day I signed the papers re. my son; just as it had been when I'd gone to court re. my daughter. I was sitting once again on that same oak bench and I look up and there's that stupid clock. I remember thinking, "Oh. YOU again. Why don't you have the decency to fall off the wall and break or something".
I've since come to believe that little metal industrial clocks are fashioned in hell and then sent up on an elevator to the surface of the planet.
I mean...really...think about it. Where do you see those dang clocks? Prisons, welfare offices, police precincts.....the principal's office at the highschool....the dentist's office while you're waiting for your root canal, that skeezy diner at the top of the street where you go for a cheap breakfast and then regret it the rest of the day.
I'm telling you somewhere on those clocks it says, "Made in Hell with pride."
But the first time I sat under the little metal clock, I was so so young; not just in age but in spirit. I sat there by myself, watching the minutes go by thinking that any minute now a prince was going to come and rescue me from this nightmare. He was going to come in, get down on one knee and offer to take me and my daughters away to a paradise somewhere and we'd all live happily together.
That's what I WISHED would happen even though another part of my brain was saying, "Yeah okay Janey. Let us know when your mothership returns for ya."
Then the moment came to face the Referees. There were a bank of attorney's in that room with me. I mean at least 6 of them. They kept asking me if I was of sound mind and body and if I was being coerced into signing. Did anyone else have that happen? Was anyone else asked that?
What's weird is I don't remember anything after that. I know I must've taken the bus back because I took a bus there and I remember every sight, sound and smell of that bus ride to the courthouse. Yet I still can't remember anything after I signed my name. It's gone into the darkness; into the blank recesses of buried time and memory. I can remember picking up the pen and then 3 or 4 months pass and I realize I'm still breathing but my mind has cancelled out everything in between.
With my son, I didn't have illusions as I sat under that little clock. I was still young but not in spirit anymore. In spirit I was dead. I watched the minute hands go round on that clock. They were going around in my heart too, winding round it like a vise. I remember I remember looking up at that clock and then the next thing I remember, I'm walking to the courthouse doors to leave. I cannot say what happened to me in that time in between. I don't remember any of it. I have racked my brain until it's near to fried but I cannot CANNOT remember signing. I don't know who I spoke with in that courthouse. Who was in that courthouse. What was said. Nothing. I don't remember the bus ride to the courthouse. I only know that I "wake up" and I'm looking up at the clock and then some time later, I "wake up" again and I'm walking to the courthouse doors. My legs are heavy. The air seems like glue. There's a guy at the courthouse doors. There was something else after that which I will leave unprinted here. But I remember every second of every step I took from that courthouse door onward into the rest of my life but nothing leading up to that day I signed on my son.
Why? Why do I remember everything "before" with my daughter and nothing "after" for quite some time but with my son it's opposite. Why is that? (Sorry sort of talking too myself there out loud. Feel free to ignore if you like. Again, I wouldn't blame you.)
Has anyone else experienced these moments of "blankness" that I speak of here? Anyone else who went to court or to DSS or some legal entity. May I ask..........when you look back on it, is it for you like flashes of time with nothing in between?
I just thought maybe somebody could share their experiences at court and if they've lost some of what happened to them there.
I understand of course if this is not something people feel they can talk about openly. PM's are also much welcomed.
Thanks for listening!