Hey Shadow,
This is a long post. Sorry. But this is a subject I usually avoid - in fact I did avoid it yesterday - as, quite frankly, I have yet to see the type of judgements and language used against birthmothers mentioned at all about birthfathers. Young women suffer a double standard in society; that hasn't changed.
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I have to wonder if BBdad’s really got off with pats on the back. Maybe outwardly, but behind close doors weren’t, at least, some of them chastised for not being responsible? Weren’t they sometimes looked down on for “not doing the right thing”?
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I would certainly hope not.
Here's a little story for you though that addresses the responsibility angle. Back when my eldest was 17 - that would be 1994 - a few of my SIL's and I were talking about teen pregnancy and our daughters and how hard we were working to make sure they were "protected".
I asked one of my SIL's if it was uncomfortable having to have that talk with her 17 year old son. After all, in my mind, a teen boy should be protected also as 17 is young to become a father.
My one SIL said (and I'll never forget this): "If the girl's too stupid to use condoms and she gets knocked up? Well that's HER parent's problem. Not my son's."
The rest of them laughed which was beyond disgusting because they had daughters!!!
After that, I moved those SIL's into the "skank" category and wrote them off as useless. However, I'm not stupid enough to think for one moment that their attitude is unique. There's a lot of folks out there who think the very same thing, but they just don't say it. Don't kid yourselves people.
Another thing I notice is the generosity which people seem to extend to birthfathers; generosity they withhold from birthmothers. There seems to be an instant acceptance of the birthfather's claims that they "didn't know" or they were "too young" or they were "spurned by the bmom".......that kind of thing.
I'm not saying those things don't happen. Of course they do.
However on claim #1 most especially: If you are a man and you - pull out your equipment and use it - let's say? Well then, you are as liable for your actions as I am (as a woman) in allowing it. A woman can never claim "she didn't know" simply by virtue of biology because she is the one carrying the baby to term.
Now that is not to say that some women didn't tell their boyfriends or what-have-you. But I personally spent many nights with young girls my age at the time who were pregnant and were agonizing over telling the father. Their biggest fear? He'd leave them or claim the baby wasn't his.
In their defense, those guys were young themselves and probably just as frightened as the bmoms were. I have no problem understanding that and I sympathize with those teen boys in their youth.
What disturbs me is the way people automatically accept the birthdad's explanation that he didn't know. It's as if all he has to do in his adult years is feign ignorance and people buy it. I can see situations of course where he might not know. After all, there are women who didn't tell for whatever reason. But I'm not going to accept "birthdad didn't know" as a blanket statement because it's harming for women.
It's also darn near impossible without valid witnesses for a woman to prove the guy did know. Once a man says he had no idea? It's his word against hers and his seems to usually win out.
Why is it that women must prove their morality but men are given a pass?
I am using the below quote as example only for argument. It is not meant as judgement of the person who posted it in any way or the bdad mentioned:
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He said he felt forced into adoption by the bmom, but he knew he could not raise the baby on his own so he did sign.
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No birthmother anywhere would ever be allowed to use this as excuse. There have been women who have tried to say they were coerced and they are generally shot down as either liars, or they are "unable to face reality".
In general language only - Did the bdad talk to his parents and ask them to help him fight in court to keep his child? Did he offer to marry the bmom so that he could keep his child? (Not that I agree with that but I'm simply trying to make a point here). Did he go to the bmom's parents and offer to pay child support? How exactly is it that he was "forced" into signing?
Can you see what I'm saying?
"Forced" into signing. That's powerful language right there and connotes some kind of victimhood perpetrated on the bdad by the birthmother.
The ease with which people believe this is frightening.
Look, I will never be able to say that "I couldn't raise my babies on my own" and be accepted. In fact, if you are a birthmother who was dirt poor, it's almost impossible to get that argument across. Somehow poverty means you are supposed to be beyond human in endurance and bravery.
But I digress. Let me put it another way. When was the last time any of you saw anyone accuse a man of throwing his children into dumpsters? Honestly, ask yourselves that.
Please understand, I don't want to lionize men. Many of them have been wronged by women; had their hearts broken too.
I just want people to understand that with the exception of rape; sex is a two-sided street traveled by both parties - not just the female one.
Thanks for listening.