[shadow riderer]

Hi Everyone:

I've been reading a few threads and they started me thinking. There are a lot of threads about Bmom's, what it was like for them, how they feel, etc., but few if anything about BDad's. I know that is partly because, well, guys, aren't going to "talk" about their feelings like us gals do. I was reading the thread about "How Out Are You" and it made me wonder about Bdads.

I'm probably not going to explain well what I'm going for here, but basically, I wonder what it was like for Bdads. How did they feel when they were told, "I'm pregnant." What did their parents say to them. What did their friends say and how did they react? Did they ever think about we, adoptees, after we were placed? I hope you guys get where I'm going with this? Birthfathers have feelings and issues too, even if they don't always acknowledge them.

Because there are not a lot of Bdads on the forum, I think we might have to speculate as to what it was/is like for birthfathers. I hope some Bdads will post here and share their feelings about being a birth father. Since the likelyhood of that happening is slim, I'm asking everyone to give/share their opinions, stories, thoughts, basically anything you want on the subject of birthfathers feelings thoughts, attitude, etc. No bashing please.

I find my, own, Bdad's initial reaction to me quite interesting. My Bmom never told him he had a daughter, but she did call him about 5 or 6 months into her pregnancy. I don't know what that conversation consisted of, and probably never will. It doesn't really matter. I was unclear as to if Bmom actually "told" him she was pregnant, but he knew she very well could be carrying his child. He told me he thought she was trying to trick him into marriage. Neither of their stories about that conversation make much sense, and neither of them have been very good at telling the truth or taking responsibility. Again, not really important or what this is about. I've read that most birthfather's, when told of a pregnancy, first reaction is immediate denial. Case in point, my Bdad, and I think for any guy that initial denial would be understandable. I wonder how other Birthfathers reacted to the news?

Another thing I found interesting about my Bdad: His first reaction was, "If you are my daughter, you are going to be a part of my life." It was a weird, sort of taking possesion thing? Almost a subconscious obligation sort of thing, now that he was much older and now was going to do the responsible thing? I hope that makes some sense. It wasn't a bad thing, just a reaction kind of thing, for lack of a better way to describe it, a manly thing. He was insistant on telling everyone his name was on my birth certificate. I don't really understand why that was so important to him. His name wasn't on my OBC. Heck, I wasn't even named on my OBC. He still insist on telling people that his name is on my OBC. I just find it interesting, and don't really see the big deal.

Unlike my Bmom, my Bdad was in no way ashamed of telling any and everyone that I was his daughter, and about how he didn't "know". He conveniently left out the fact that, well, he did sort of know that he had gotten my birth mother pregnant. I'm just speculating here, but I think he conveniently left that minor detail out of the story because he knew people might look at him as "the dead beat who didn't take responsibility" guy. I know that's kind of harsh. I'm not saying it out of anger or to stereo type Bdads. I'm saying it to make a point that birthfathers are looked down on just like birthmothers have been. Wouldn't societies veiw of birthfathers have an effect on them, just like it has the rest of us?

Basically, how did/does adoption effect birthfathers? Without many birthfathers to share here, I think the best we can do is share facts we know, our own stories and experiences with bDads, and just guess. So, everyone feel free to guess and speculate away, but please try to be fair to the birthfathers in your lives. Participation from all members of the triad is welcom and encouraged. Let's just see where this goes? I'm hoping to gain the same understanding of my Bfather as you guys have given me of my Bmom.