[cajjj]

Okay, I'm going to be outright honest here. It's refreshing because I know the only people on the face of this earth who understand how I feel are other adoptees, and as I don't know any personally I can talk to, I will vent here. When I first met my bfather, sheeessh, well I'd heard some pretty harsh stuff so I already had my opinions about him. It just proved better for me not to have him a part of my life and to further any relationship with him. I didn't need negative stuff in my life, and so although he and I emailed that's as far as it went, and he just was never honest with himself or me about things concerning me and my coming into being, my adoption, etc. either. He and I clashed like crazy about other things, and eventually I just said that's it, no more contact. I will admit something here and if there is anyone here who can somehow relate that would be great, but somehow if felt vengefully good to shut that door with him, like he chose to just give me up and leave his own blood to whatever, well now it's my turn to do what he did to me 39 years ago, and you know what? it felt good. That's terrible, isn't it??!!!!! But I feel like no matter how hard I try there IS this under current of anger and resentment at being a child just given up like we are objects, not a human being, not their own blood and family. We were just sent off as bastards into the unknown. I mean they never really know who their birthchildren are going to be placed with. I need prayer obviously. Man, adoption is just a wierd thing to deal with if you get down to the depths of it. All in all I love my adoptive family like they were truly blood, and always will. Even if my amom and I have a bad relationship I will ALWAYS consider her my "mom" and noone will ever take her place, no matter how close my bmother and I get. It's nice meeting my bmom, but if she keeps this up I fear that I am going to have that same kind of reaction to her like I did my bfather. I cannot get it through her thick head to think of how the adoptee feels. There's something in me that wants to inflict the same pain on her as she did me, especially with this self absorption she exhibits. Maybe then she will understand what I've tried to express and explain to her. She said no to me many years ago, well now I can say no to her. I just need to pray about it because I know it's terrible to think that way.

I have pain from not actually being my parent's blood children, for all the times I felt out of place at family get together's growing up, etc., etc., etc. and everything else surrounding being adopted, and I'm not sure how to handle all of it. I don't dwell on these things, if it sounds that way. I think her total lack of feeling and desire to understand the feelings of adoptees, her carelessness and selfishness that still continues from the day she carelessly got pregant with me, to the day she gave me up, and to this day exhibits carelessness and selfishness with me in different ways. Unfornately mine was an unfortunate birth, and I will have to deal with all these issues the rest of my life.


"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." Isaiah 49:15