[BlackSheep]

cajjj-

I am an adoptee and a bmom in reunion (all sides). I have the unique perspective of seeing both sides.

I found bmom 15 years ago. The first phone call, first words out of her mouth were, "I'm not your mother, you have a mother, I'm P****". OK, well, at least I had her in my life. By that time, I had been living with the fact that I had relinquished a daughter 11 years before, gotten married and had 2 more children. Through the years, we talked, met and had a relationship, but she would never really "talk" to me, not about my adoption, not about my bdad, etc. Like you, my aparents and I had about the same relationship as you described. Like you also, I was closer to my adad. Well, there came a point when I just "lost it" with my whole life, that was about 2 years ago. Not just my bmom, but everything. We ended up not talking for about 2 years, not because of disagreements or anything, just that we both seemed to fall apart at about the same time. I called her last fall and we picked up the pieces, so to speak. It wasn't until I contacted bdad last Nov that she started to talk to me about him. He came out on the first phone call and told me all about my birth, and what input he had in any decision made--none. Bmom's dad "took care of it".

My bmom can't understand my point of view, but is willing to listen now. She knows that I can relate to much of her hurt, as I lived it too. An adoptee's view is not something one can understand unless they live it. Reading it will not give the insight needed to "get" what you are trying so desperately "needing" your bmom to know. It took 15 years for my bmom to even acknowledge that she was "mom" when in Feb she signed an email "Love, your mom"!

I know the anger, hurt, pain, and the need to forgive, forgive, forgive! Don't expect an apology for anything, it won't come and if it does, it is a bonus! But you don't forgive for the other person, you forgive for yourself!