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Originally Posted by Janeytwo
Hey there! This is a personal vent/observation from one bmom to the other bmoms in here. And it's said with respect for all - and I do mean ALL as in everyone in here.
I have somes questions to ask of all of us bmoms.
What does it really matter what outsiders call us? Do the ugly words we've all witnessed define us?
I watch a lot of us in here rush to defend our positions. Why do so?
Seriously, are we in here to learn from others like us about reunion? Are we in here to share in order to heal? Or are we here to endlessly justify ourselves to people outside of our own experience?
Because I found myself doing that very thing a short time ago. I am so glad it happened too. It gave me an opportunity to appreciate what I know I am and what I know I'm not. I'd almost forgotten that. I'd begun to buy in to the garbage floating on the prejudicial sea (and by that I mean garbage as in opinion - not garbage as in people).
Look, there are always going be those out there who point their finger at everyone else on the planet, calling everyone else "less than", speaking of others in ugly, derogatory terms. Meanwhile, they're sleeping around on their spouse with their own sister's husband. Or they're embezzeling funds from the retirement accounts of the elderly; that kind of hoo-hah.
Do you see what I'm saying? Homo sapiens ain't the most redeemable species - myself included. But when we respond to nasty underhanded comments, we lend those comments credence. In an odd sort of way, we actually give them merit - in my opinion.
To rush out and say "No! No! That's not true! You don't understand! Look at who I really am!" is a waste of time and intellect.
People either respect me or they don't. (Shrug inserted here). Who really gives a hoot? I respect me and that's good enough.
I can rant privately when something hits my craw and things do. That's what friends are for, right? But I ain't handing someone a gun to shoot me with - if that makes sense.
I think it is imperative that we come to understand we owe no one an apology or an explanation outside of our children, ourselves and our God - not necessarily in that order. And no one owes us one either.
IMO - We have got to stop venturing outside of this forum looking for approval. And I think we need to be honest that that's partly what we're doing it when we rush in where angels fear to tread. Because we have residual unpleasant feelings re. adoption.
Okay, that's why the birthmoms forum is here, isn't it? So that we can reach out to each other, offer compassion to those who venture in here and hope, that through our words, someone somewhere will understand.
But if they don't? Well then they don't. That's their right. No one has to accept me. Who the frig am I? And more importantly, who the frig are they?
Approval, love of self, respect for oneself? All that comes from within not from without.
Just my thoughts for whatever they're not worth to ya.
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Depends on the year, era, age and social acceptance of the time a teen/young woman relinquishes. It depends on if you were told you were not good enough, a whore, slut, easy, social standing had no relevance. Rich or poor if you walked down the street to have people look at you like you were dirt.
To be called names when you went back to school.
If you returned to the same school and were shunned. Or boys or men dated you because you were easy.
Before 1960 divorced women were thought to be in need by married men and sometimes raped. Rape was consider their fault. Men could not be forced to pay for children they denied were theirs. There was no way to reliable prove who the father was and either young men or their parents would say the girl slept around.
When you are told this often enough, when your "mistake" shamed you entire family you believe what people said about you. It takes years or professional help, help that was only available after about the 1980's, to come to an understanding.
Women who gave up babies pre 1980 often do not talk about it to anyone, never have, some never will. They carry that guilt to their grave.
For those who have passed that hurdle it is when they find or are found that those emotions return. When you child looks at you and says, WHY, then will not understand or accept the only answer you have.
We are as good as anyone else, it is convincing ourselves that we are that is hardest.