***edited to add*** after reviewing the ENTIRE thread I see that OP is already a multiracial family
, most of this doesn't apply to your specific situation and I considered deleting it, I decided to leave it up thinking while our situations are different the amount of attention your family will get would be the same. You'll have a whole set of come back and answers up your sleeve! ****
Now that my son is older (he's only 3 but he looks much older-very tall) I am shocked at how other children treat him. Lord of the Flies is what I think...If we go to a park and it is ALL CC children playing, generally speaking, he will be avoided and sometimes it can be blatent and intentioal and sometimes in the past children haveplayed "games" of running from the "black boy." Often parents did not step in and redirect the play, I had to
. Unless he knows them before hand I feel it's almost automatic its usually not healthy for him, so it is unfair, in my opinion, for my son to be in several situations where he is the ONLY AA child there.
Some of it is so subtle you don't know for sure. Like drop of care at the gym, my 3 year old is the only AA child there, which I dn't like but its the one thing I do for myself. If I had a gym that I could go to that was more diverse I would so be there!!! That is hard, me wanting to exercise and feeling guilty for putting him a situation that may be uncomfortable for him. I also feel he's gong to have to deal with it, but at 3 NO WAY! So I have to be almost hypersensitive. Some people think I'm wrong...I don't. (he is only there for an hour.)
I didn't really understand this before the why-the way I can see the hurt in his eyes even if he can't verbalize it when he doesn't feel accepted, but it is absolutely utmost importance to make sure my son has friends and mentors that look just like him-he NEEDS this and at 3 years old he notices when the kids don't play with him. Not just every so often but several times a week he needs to be around peers that look like him. I am astounded at how CC vs AA children accept him, it makes me sad but it is automatic. He goes right into play with AA children at a park. This SHOCKED me, we are talking about small chidlren. It may just be where we live. I feel we live in a "diverse" area (we are more out in the country but go to the city every day) however, there is such a divide in our city we have to go out of my way to be part of the AA community.
I also had no idea what racism really was, thoguht I did but I had no idea how it felt, how ugly and hurtful it REALLY is, how many times I'd cry because my son is so beautiful and amazing and to have people NOT see it because they are blind HURTS....have you heard of the term "white privledge"? Just recently discovered the term from a friend and it describes our learning curve.
With that said I wouldn't trade our family just as it is for anything in the world or any other experience. I got over the stares a long time ago. Certain places (Walmart) I avoid eye contact with strangers, I do not need unecassary questions and comments. Other places I feel "safe" and am okay with the attention. We are a walking billboard for adoption, it takes some getting used to but after awhile all the questions and comments are the same, you come up with what to say and it becomes automatic. I have a horrible sense of humor and usually get toungue tied, I think of how to react after situations but like I said it becomes 2nd nature.
Even well intended comments..."oh aren't you a wonderful person to take in this child..., he better appreciate you when he grows up" I always so "no, we are the ones that were blessed." The saddest part for me is that I can't beleive how many AA make these types of comments to me.
All the stupid comments on my sons hair. For my older son who's hair has changed. "oh I hope you keep it short it would be impossible to handle...I like that you cut it like that how else could you manage..." Uh, ya "shut-up" is what I want to say. We keep it short because he has a sensory disorder and can't handle having his hair touched otherwise we may have kept it long and in braids, who knows. I just tell them he doesn't like having his hair combed out or we may have tried other styles.
I had NO FREAKING idea people thought they could touch my children's hair!!! Perfect strangers touch my 3 month old baby's soft curly hair all the time! Never happened with my CC babies (we were foster parents for 2 years and have 2 older bio daughters this happened EVERY time with AA infants!). Its irritating after the 100th time. Ugh! WHY? I don't understand why anything needs to be said about my baby's hair other then "oh look at all that beautiful hair" and then keep your hands to yourself, my baby is not a puppy. Its like they don't know what to say because there is a level of discomfort they are perhaps unconciousely feeling so they make a fuss about the hair and then TOUCH it. Haven't figured out what to do about that.
What makes me happy, when the random person comes up to me and tells me my sons are gorgeous oohing and awing over then like they deserve, or that my son has amazing eyes (he does), or that smile you get from the AA man or women in a store... A feeling of approval from random strangers by the nod of a head. That happens daily too! Or meeting another adoptive family, LOVE that, and having that instant connection. Most of all feeling with all of my heart and soul that these are my children. Love and nurturing and being a family like any other family.
Okay so that is just the beginning of things that I really should have known but didn't.
I love our family, I love my sons. We would never have had the amazing experiences and growth as a family without them!