[mrstak]

My heart hurts. I regret giving my baby up for adoption 9 years ago. I feel guilty because I feel this way. I have 2 beautiful children who are with me, but I want all of them. My sons A-mother could not have children and at the time I was pregnant with him I was afraid to keep him because I was already a single mom with one and I didn’t feel I could handle two. Birthfather was a real piece of work and said he would not even acknowledge the baby. I never gave a thought what it would be like to keep him I convinced myself that he was not my baby, that he was meant for someone else. Everyone tells me what a beautiful thing I did. Sure maybe they are right, but I am not so sure I really thought about the emotional consequences of my actions. I miss him every day. I hurt. I feel like he is so close and I try to reach out to touch him, hug him love him but he is untouchable to me, because I gave up the right to be his Mom when he was born. I never held him in my arms, I wanted to, but I couldn’t because I would not have let him go to be with his adoptive parents. It would have broke their hearts. I am unable to deal with the emotions I feel and I am not sure how I really feel because I hold it inside. I can’t do anything to change the path I chose. I am confused and I don’t know how or what to do. I guess I thought as time passes I would heal, but it isn’t happening. It seems as each year passes it hurts more. I can’t talk to anyone close to me about this because they think they understand and try to be supportive, but I can't even figure out what I am feeling.