[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Amandak249

Woah, woah woah. You misunderstood what I was saying. Clarification time.



When I mentioned that my parents were educated, I meant only in the realm of psychiatry, as they are both psychiatrists. I pointed that out ONLY to say that perfectly knowledgeable people are falling for the "adoption stereotypes" and people who SHOULD, in theory, know better are just as affected as everyone else. It surprised me that my parents, who are usually so impartial and level headed with their emotions, would discount my birthmother throughout my life. It's so out of their characters! My parents where very open about my adoption, and have encouraged me even throughout reunion and all of the struggles it brings. This is the only area where we don't see eye to eye. I was making a point that these stigmas, these preconceived notions about adoption and the roles of each person involved, can affect EVERYONE, regardless of their roles and their personalities. No judgment intended, none whatsoever. I love that the people on these forums " see whats up", and refuse to be molded into what people would normally consider " the roles of the triad." It's a shame not everyone can see it the way many people here see it.




I suspect it is hard for either set of my parents to give the other set much credit. Just a reality of my adoption. Nothing that is set in stone, or that I suspect is uniform in the adoption world. My parents believe that I am who I am because of how they've raised me, and that biology plays only a small part. My birthfamily , especially my birthfather, had trouble over the years accepting his boundaries as my birthfather, and as a beloved person in my life, and not as my primary father and decision maker. I saw him as my father, but not in the same sense that he saw me as his daughter.



My birthmother has a beautiful personality. She is bubbly and sweet and caring and emotional. I have spent time with her over the years. I've spoken to her for hours on the telephone, and I've spent days with her in person. When she is not under the influence, which unfortunately is not very often, she is an amazing person. I am positive, though, that due to her addictions she could not have been a good mother to me, as she has shown with all of the children she attempted to parent. I love her for what she is and who she is in my life, but she's not quite " mom." She's something else entirely, someone who gave me my face and my heart and my talents and my inherited traits. She loves me and I know she does. I love her too, and she considers me her daughter, but it is hard for me to consider her a mother in the same way.

.I have read about it a lot on these forums. so we really are a sum of our parents(both birth and bio) parts and feel that you should respect that but most importanly your parents should respect that.




Agreed.



I struggle to do that everyday. I hope one day to figure it out- to understand where everyone fits into my life, and keep them neatly where they belong. I suspect that this will never happen, as roles in adoption are often undefinable- capable of being categorized only by a feeling.

Originally Posted by Amandak249

Hope I've made things a bit clearer.

Amanda,

I heard what you were saying about your parents. It's interesting that psychiatric/psychological training doesn't necessarily help when we deal with issues in our own lives. I always believed that nurture was more important in the nature/nurture argument. When I met my bson for the first time I was amazed at some of the gestures he made, the way he said things. My DH and I both saw much of his bfather in him. D has my personality and would fit very well into my family. I must admit that his parents have similar education and values to my own so it may be hard to decide what is nurture and what is nature.

At this point he is a grown man with a family of his own. It would be my hope for him that he has been able to assimilate all the parts that make him up. All of us are a total of all the experiences we have. I hear Amanda say that she, like many of the rest of us, is seeking to make sense of the stuff that went into making us who we are.


I always find it helpful to remember something that was emphasized when I was in seminary... (by the way, 3 of D's "parents" are or were ELCA pastors, his mother - not me - is a social worker). All of us speak a different language. Even when we know the dictionary definition, the meaning of a word for each of us is colored by our own experiences so that a word which is positive or neutral for one person may be very negative for another. One of the reason our discussions get so heated is that when you say something, I hear(read) with my own experiences. When I express my thoughts, you feel I'm telling you that your thoughts/feelings are wrong or have no value. From there the discussion goes down hill.


Sometimes we just need to say "I hear you saying" and allow the person to know they've been heard before adding a "but here's where I am."

The positive on A.com is that most of us continue to try to converse... to hear... and to be heard.