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It is easy to read something someone has posted out of frustration and anger, and then tell them they should be more understanding and compassionate, especially when you have not walked in a persons shoes or experienced what they are experiencing. The whole story can't be told in one post. You guys say she is being too critical of her Bmom and should have some compassion and understanding that it wasn't easy to give up a child. I think it is safe to say that most all of us (adoptees) can understand that it was not easy for our Bmom. We can understand it was painful and caused issues in their lives that they may never get over. I think most of us can even accept that about our Bparents. Understanding that, accepting that, having compassion for them because of that, doesn't make it any less painful for us. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, and it definitely doesn't take the anger away, especially when a birthparent cannot se us (the adoptee) in the situation. It doesn't take away the thought, some of us have that we were just forgotten about. When we reunite and our bparents say they are happy to be found, glad to have us back, so to speak, then continually blame everyone else, the father, their parents, etc., tell you they "just " got on with their lives, refuse to discuss the issues, or worse IMO continually focus on their own pain, with no thought or compassion for what effects their decisions had on we the adoptees, well, IMO, it is only natural that we would be confused, angry, feel insignificant, unwanted, etc. What that says to a person, IMO, is, "Your thoughts and feelings don't matter". When a birthparent never accepts their responsibility in the situation, when they never acknowledge the feelings of the adoptee, say to an adoptee "the past is the past",well, it sort of says to an adoptee "you didn't matter". It sometimes leaves an adoptee feeling like they didn't or don't exist. At that point, who wouldn't say, , "What about me?" Is that selfish? IMO, no more selfish than the Bparent is being.
The adoptee was the one relinquished, not the Bparent. So, where is the compassion and understanding for the adoptee? Who wouldn't be hurt, angery, criticle, when your bparent refuses to acknowledge your feelings, but expects you to be understanding and compassionate towards theirs? A person would have to be a saint to not feel some kind of pain/anger at the Bparent.
The sad fact is that some Bparents never get past their issues. An adoptee can accept that, and even accept the relationship with their bparent for what it is. Acceptance of that doesn't come without a lot of pain, anger, rage, etc. Some of us acknowledge those feelings and work through them. Some of us don't. It matters more to some of us than it does others. Some of us feel those feelings more strongly than others. Please be careful not to be too criticle of someone just expressing their frustration and anger at a situation they are trying to work through. There are two people who need to be understanding and compassionate towards each other. If only one person is doing that, it is, IMO, understandable that sooner or later, someone gets hurt and angry. I know how C feels. I've been there. It's not an easy road to travel, and sometimes there isn't a happy ending; only acceptance of the situation for what it is. Getting there isn't easy.
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