As I read through this thread, I see one very common shared element. And that is everyone, no matter what side of the triad, feels that if they voice their thoughts, hurt and feelings about something, they are then "told" they shouldn't or they are being silenced.
I think sometimes it's hard to look outside our personal perspectives when something is said and we take offense to it. I admit, when someone posted they had reunited with their firstmom and now don't say their aparents are their "real" parents anymore, I felt my skin bristle up a bit. But really...why in the world should that offend me? That's HER experience, HER life, HER feelings and her RIGHT. So for that split second (okay, it might have been a few minutes
) I thought I was offended and had to remind myself...."It's not about you".
It's hard sometimes to put that aside (I don't always succeed at this, so don't think I'm preaching!) and remember that we ALL come from very similar places in how we want our feelings and voices heard.
The "Real" is true for every side and one side does not negate the other. I personally don't see how one thread where so many people posted "2 moms, both are real" is offensive to anyone. My dd sees her other mom as real, and why wouldn't she? She didn't come from a fairy godmother after all. That doesn't negate MY role in her life. The only time I typically correct anyone regarding the "real" is if their opinion is "real means blood" and it's not being said in a nice way. That doesn't have anything to do with my dd's firstmom at all. It's not saying she's fake just because I'm educating others telling them that shared genes is not the single and only factor that makes families.
We can't be hurt by other's personal feelings about themselves and lives. It's not our right. We can't apply statements to everyone either. That's also not our right. None of us can be the single voice for our side and then get irritated that we aren't "listened" to when someone says "you know, I disagree".
Sorry for the ramble...I just woke up this morning, saw this thread and it just hurts a bit that we do this to each other.