[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Okay, I admit it -- I'm frustrated today. I've read a lot of posts lately about how adoptive moms are the "real" mothers and how adoptees are the "real" children of the aparents. So, two out of the three sides of the triad are real. Where does that leave us, ladies? Are we fake? Did we never exist, or is it that we just don't really matter anymore?

Just who is it that defines us as birthmothers or defines the role of birthmother in today's society? Do you think it's the other two sides of the triad? Is it the adoption industry? Is it the media? Or do we define ourselves and our own roles in our culture today? Personally I'm a bit tired (and very jaded) about letting people who have never gone through what we experienced define who we are as a group.

So I put it forth to you now: are you real? What does it mean to you to be a birth/first mother? If you could stand up on a soapbox in front of the entire world, what would you say? What would you want your children to know? What would you want your fellow human beings to know about you as a birthmom?

What exactly does it mean to be a birthmother? Are we blazing new paths in our culture when we refuse to be silenced...when we come out of hiding and say, "We're real, too....)?

I can only speak for myself, and truth be told, I have stopped posting in conversations about "real" versus whatever because I find it incredibly frustrating because adoptive parents seem to, at times (and I know I am generalizing) think it is such a big deal, this kind of terminology. I don't get it.

I don't get it for a couple reasons. The first is this... at least for me, and I can only speak personally about my specific situations, I have never felt less than a real mother, even with knowing and acknowledging from the very beginning that my reality was that my children had another mother who was just as real. In fact, the most basic reality is that if my children did not have another REAL mom besides me, they wouldn't exist. It took us both to make these beautiful kids be who they are. And that is just the bottom line for me. And if one or the other of us is real, and it means, as some like to think, that the other is fake, well, that could mean I'm fake too. And I won't stand for that. I am very real in the lives of my children, the babies I am privileged to parent, and I know that the facts are that they have another mother who is and has to be, regardless of anything else, be made real in their lives.

Discounting the power of nature in a child's life to me, completely disrupts the chances of a child reaching their full potential. They must know, to the extent that they are able, and to the extent that their other families are willing, about their biology and roots, their heritage, those from whom they came. If they don't I would be denying them an essential part of who they are. But in acknowleding the power of nature, that doesn't mean that I am diminishing the strength of nurture, which at least in the cases of my children, the choice by all accounts and evidence before and since, to place these children in another environment was a wise decision. For my children at least, this parenting decision made mostly by their first mothers, was a good one. And that is another reason to celebrate their first mothers in their lives. They chose this way to have their children parented, acknowledging that it was the best way they knew how to do it in that moment. And it has proven to be a wise decision, not because I am such a stellar parent, but because their first families continue to struggle at the most basic level.

The second reason why I don't get that this whole "I'm real, you're not" thing is such a big deal is because I believe that I have the power to define who I am in the world, and others can have a say if they want, but it doesn't mean that it matters. Just because someone says they are real, doesn't mean that I am fake. We can both be real. There's nothing wrong with that. We define ourselves for ourselves and we should not/cannot allow someone else to take away that power. I know that for me, my ability to do this comes from the fact I believe that I belong to an Other~Creator~God and ultimately, He defines my realness and it can't be taken away from me. I know there's alot of people that don't believe that and that's okay too. But for me, it has made it easier to let go and not worry about what others call me, but rather, to find within myself the ability to know who I am, and therefore, allow others to be fully who they know themselves to be.

I acknowledge that it is much easier for me as an adoptive parent in this culture (the adoption world) to find legitimacy. And I hope that I am doing my part to make sure that all who participate here, regardless of their roles are free to define themselves as they see themselves. I really hope that for all of you who struggle, it will be with good result, that slowly but truly, the eyes of the world will open up to the value of all mothers, regardless of the stage in their lives, or of the role they play in their children's lives. I know for me at least, it has been so freeing to admit that I am a mother by another's choice... I would not be a mother if it weren't for the choice of another mother. And that, I will not forget.

I hope that something I have said here has helped you to feel empowered to be AS REAL AS YOU ARE!!!! and (((((hugs))))) for the hard stuff...