[JustPeachy]

I think what stirs up a hornet's nest in this issue is when an adoptive parent, who has done all the work of raising the child, hears the birthmom referred to by others as the child's "real mom." Understandably, I can see how this would feel hurtful, but I don't understand the pissing contests that can come about because of it, i.e. "SHE'S not the REAL mom, I AM!!! It takes MORE than giving birth to be mom, I stayed up all night cleaning pee and poo, etc., etc."

In my opinion, both birth mom and adoptive mom are real moms. I think our language is very limiting, and unfortunately, in society everything has to be categorized in a neat little box, so people cannot seem to wrap their minds around the fact that there are two mothers in adoption. I would never claim to be my child's parent. I did not raise him. However, I am his mother, and more than just a breeding machine. I have loved and cared for him just like any other mother. I wasn't able to raise him, but had I been allowed to be in his life, instead of cast aside due to the "rules" of adoption at the time I placed, I would have been able to be more of a mother to him, and maybe even share some of the parenting.

Personally, the more I think and read about adoption, the more I feel that it is still in so many ways a cruel system in terms of how it treats birth moms. I feel radical changes need to be made, and I'd like to see adoptions move more toward a struture where the birthparents were able to retain at least some of their rights and it was more of a shared, co-parenting type of situation. I don't like the punishing nature of adoption as it is practiced now, even in OA. The birthmom is making such a difficult and painful decision with the best interests of her child in mind, and for that she is treated as someone who must "pay a price" for not being able to raise her child. Why the need to be punative? I will never get this. If we know our limitations, and know we are not able to give our children what we feel they deserve and need, why does that make us "bad mothers?" On the contrary, I think that is something a GOOD mother does, and yet everyone will say we "abandoned" our children or "rejected" them. The whole thing makes me crazy!

As far as who defines us, I say mostly society and this is where individuals get their misinformation from. Although many people know about my child, I'm still very closeted about being a birthmom, because I know, if I DARE say anything, I will be judged harshly. I was already the topic of water-cooler gossip at my job when I was pregnant and placing. I don't need to go through that again, even though I'd much prefer to "come out." I'm not ashamed of being a birthmother, but I do feel very silenced because of the fear of censure, and then I sometimes get mad at myself becuase I KNOW attitudes will not change unless we birthmoms are willing to stand up and refuse to be silenced.