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Hi,
Your situation is not unique. I have a good friend, A, who was in a very similar situation. Her son (now in his 20's) was adopted. His first mother, S, was A's friend who sounds similar to your friend. When S's son was an infant, she was leaving him with A for long periods of time. Between the ages of 1-2 years, S disappeared for a 2 month and then a 5 month period of time.
When the little boy was about 2.5 years, A confronted S with the fact that her son was calling A Mommie and needed stability. S agreed to a completely open adoption (the boy kept his full name).
There were some bumps in the relationship, but all worked out for A's son. He is very successful and happily married. He has a good relationship with his first mother but does not call her Mom. He adores his Mom who raised him.
I think that it depends on how much you trust your friend to keep your relationship on cooperative terms for the benefit of the child. Also, in the long term, I think it is not good for the child to allow her play "mommie" when you are the person who is providing the nurturing.
Happy G'Ma
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