[Indiaadoptee]

Hi benandkatieh,

1.Big fan of Compassion International.
2.Hearing a prospective aparent saying they don’t want to be a Pollyanna about adoption is music to my ears.


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Dpen6 can certainly pipe in. I still stand strong in my opinion that any adopted kid is 2nd choice-not 2nd choice as in 2nd best, but 2nd choice in that because the apparent couldn’t do or have one thing, the adopted baby was the next available option. Can’t have a girl of our own? Buy a baby girl. Can’t have a brown baby or a black baby of our own? Buy the brown baby.

To answer your question, I’d still view myself as 2nd choice. Not any lesser, just plan B.



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Attachment parenting model is about truly listening to your child, and placing an emphasis on security and foundation in your relationship, right? That is so important, especially for children who experienced a trauma no one should have to go through-losing their mother. If anyone doesn’t think adopted children don’t go through trauma, message me, and I’ll be happy to give you links to articles. I have links about prenatal trauma and all that too.

“Adoptive parents are understandably alarmed when they hear about wounds and traumas. But adoptive parents need to be aware of this. Adopted babies, like all infants, can be tremendously resilient if given the chance, but they have experienced a profound loss that other babies are spared. Adoptive parents who love their children must have empthay for, not fear of, the sorrow that their children carry.” –Nancy Verrier, author of Journey of the Adopted Self.


I did see the part about breastfeeding…and even though the attachment parenting website wasn’t talking about adopted babies, I want to say that I am definitely not in favor of aparents breastfeeding their adopted babies. I quote from a friend: “since most babies are not placed for several weeks anyway, they are already used to a bottle nipple. Then, here comes a strange woman trying to shove her boob in the kids mouth...nipple confusion to the highest degree... We already have Mom confusion...why make it worse? Just feed the ****ed kid a bottle.”

I mean, come on, I can’t think of breastfeeding your adopted baby as being anything more than fulfilling the amom's fantasy and emotional needs-either breastfeeding the baby she never had, or trying to force bonding with the new baby. Just give the kid a bottle.



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benandkatieh, you said you’re a psychotherapist, so I’m sure you already know these 2 things, but I’ll list them anyways for the benefit of everybody else. These are very important for any parents of adopted infants…

1. Don’t leave your crying baby alone, thinking they will just calm themselves. I know it is so often the practice to make your baby cry himself to sleep, especially here in the U.S., but your new baby has already been through such a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety. The last thing they want to do is forced to experience that all over again-be in such a stressful state that they fall asleep exhausted from crying.

2. I highly recommend anyone who adopts to not use the disrespectful terms “birthmother”, “birthfather” and “birthparents”, or “biological” child. These terms, which are fed to us by the adoption industry, are used to make human beings appear to be unrelated to their own family members. The terms “mother”, “father,”, “family member”, “natural mother”, “first mother” are accurate, respectful and nonderogatory terms.

If any prospective apparent is too selfish to NOT use the respectful terms, they’re better off adopting a dog than a child.



Feel free to ask me more questions. Anything you can think of, just shoot. I too want to bring this thread back to a more informative interaction.