[mdesi]

Originally Posted by LunaSeaBloom

mdesi:


Please understand that I mean this with all due respect, but I think only a parent with biological children of their own could understand what I'm questioning. I do understand being fiercely protective of family and friends. I've run into harm's way to protect my brother and I've flown off the handle defending my best friend's child (who I helped deliver), but having birthed children, I know from experience that the core of that protective emotion is different than the protection I feel for my kids. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings. I'm just trying to find information from someone who would understand the circumstance I'm coming from. Someone who has biological children and had grown their family through adoption. I recognize that there's a chemical reaction in the maternal brain that often occurs at birth which causes the bond I'm failing to describe. I need to know if that chemical response happens in adoption.

LunaSea

Absolutely no offense taken on my side. I think the best example I can give as to why that brain chemical you write about is not necessarily tied to act of growing a child in the womb is the fact that there is such a need for foster-adoption. Obviously, it is not a given that every woman who goes through pregnancy and childbirth develops that. However, there are many women on this board who have done both adoption and birth and have said many times that they could not tell you the difference in their love and bond to either child. I don't think bringing a child into a family by having that genetic connection is the only way to build that bond.

While I don't think a child should age out of the system, I do think that people who choose to adopt that child better make the decision to love that child no matter what. Every child deserves to be in a family with parents who have made that commitment. No child deserves to be in a family in which there is doubt of a parent's love or that they are second best to other children in the home. Many have already been in situations in which there is a doubt about the level of love for them by previous parents. I do think that adults can make that choice, and can make the decision to get help from people with training to help them with that.

Also, please remember that the kids in danger of aging out of the system are much older than 7. If that truly a concern, you could look at adopting teens. Several of my friends have done that. It is not easy, but they do love their teens with the same love that you express about your genetic children. In fact, one chose her son over her DH when pressed to either choose him or the boy. (However, she never had a genetic child. Maybe if she did, the bond would be less - IDK.)

My point is that adults who adopt better be sure to make the commitment to love that child, no matter how that child comes into your family and especially if that child has not been loved in the past.