[cajjj]

I know I sounded very negative about my bmom in my post. I'm definitely in an anger mode about the reunion process right now, and needed to vent because I feel desperate to get other adoptees viewpoints and advice to help me out. You can feel very alone when no one around you knows what's it's like what you're going through. It's funny how the anger comes and goes. I thought I had worked through all that, and had gotten a peace about things, but sometimes it all comes surfacing back up, totally unexpected, and I feel guilty about it.

Actually she's a very nice and warm person, and extremely caring to me and my children. She almost oversteps her bounds a little bit, but there are worse things than that I guess, I mean it could be she didn't want to have anything to do with me at all. She truly is a sweet lady to me and we have really grown in a relationship with one another. The reunion process is totally a rollercoaster. My adoptive parents haven't been very happy about my reunion, and at this point. I am praying that will change. I know I did the right thing in meeting my bfamily, it's what I needed to do for myself. I know there are lots of different reactions adoptive parents can have about these things, some more open about it than others. It definitely splits your identity once that door is open. The reunion I know has been an answer to prayer. One day I just got down on my knees and really cried out to the Lord that I would meet my birthfamily, how I was being denied my siblings, and extended family that I had never known, etc. And you know what, within a month of that prayer I got the call from Catholic Charities. I know the Lord answered my prayer about it all, and I feel I've done the right thing in getting in contact with birthfamily.

I guess it would just help if she would make that effort to understand me as an adoptee. There's just something that still makes me feel worthless, like I should have never existed, I was not wanted, not cherished, a piece of trash to be gotten rid of I guess. There is that realization in opposition to the birth of my own cherished precious daughter I had a few months ago, my birth was a sad event, a hush hush thing as it was in those days, I was a big secret, a dark spot, unwanted, and given away. It's like I feel so sorry for that little infant that was me, so long ago, like it was a separate entity from myself, that was just left in a nursery for babies to be adopted, left by it's mother.

My half sister and I got into an argument about it once, when I started going into the this anger mode not soon after meeting everyone. As nice as they all are, I wish one of them would just make that effort to understand adoptees. But oh well, the positives are they have accepted me with open arms and we all are a part of each other's lives now, which is wonderful.