[cajjj]

To get started, I had a reunion with my birthmother in 2007. I had been adopted through Catholic Charities and had gone through the process of initiating contact, and waited for that day to come when my birthmother contacted them. Well, one day I did get the call and I was estactic to say the least. Not only my birthmother had written a nice letter to CC, but my half sister as well. I'll never forget that day finding out from Catholic Charities I had two sisters, something I'd always wanted, a sister. (I later went on to find out I had two more half sisters on my birthfather's side). I can't tell you the elation and excitement and everything else I felt when that first info and contact was made.

My birthmother and I initially talked on the phone, and I had so many questions for her. She is a very kind lady, and it was a generally wonderful reunion.
I remember when she told me she had a German Shepherd dog, and my two sisters did too, when I was telling her about how back in 2004 I had for some reason just gotten some fascination out of the blue for German Sheperd dogs and just had to have one, much to the disagreement of my then husband. I just thought that was so neat. All you adult adoptees know that strangeness of not being the true blood family with their idiosyncrosies and traits passed on that you distinctly don't have. We can be like little islands to ourselves so to to speak, so that little tidbit was fascinating to me, the fact that all three of them had German Shepherds and here I was, not knowing any of them, just with this strange urge to get a German Shepherd.

I remember I couldn't believe it was really HER. I had a hard time at first actually accepting it was my actual birthfamily. Catholic Charities assured me that they were positive they had the right match, and this was the right people. You know, when you've led a life as a closed adoption adoptee it's hard to just accept those things as facts. (I had even suggested to my birthmother later about a DNA test, just to make sure, which she became highly upset about).

So anyway, she and I talked on the phone alot. I went through a horrible emotional rollercoaster once that door was opened that I was not prepared for, and had no idea I would react to the reunion in such a way. I had times of thankfulness and happiness about meeting them, to this anger of never knowing my heritage, my siblings, etc, etc.
We met in person, as well as my sisters. I have visited on a few occasions (I live out of state right now so it makes it hard to see them more often). She and I have developed a fairly good and actually rather close relationship, but it's a strange journey this adoption reunion thing.

I had a lot of conflicting emotions, and to this day I still do. One thing I just can't seem to get over is the fact is she has never said "I'm sorry". I think maybe deep down she does have regrets. I know she told me the day we first talked on the phone she ended up just having a meltdown and bawled on the phone to her sister, so I guess there was some hurts and regrets on her part, but I think she has a wall up in that respect. I had asked her if she had thought of me after the adoption and in essence she had said something to the effect that she went on to get married (she later divorced but married again) and had two more daughters basically I was out of her mind. Now that hurt. I still can't come to terms sometimes with it all, maybe for the fact my adoptive mom and I have a HORRIBLE relationship. I love my parents very much, I am closer to my Dad, but my mom and I have never been close. She's always been hypercritical of me and we just weren't close like some mother/daughter relationships, at times she's been downright emotionally abusive at me, but oh well, there are worse things in life. My birthmother and I on the other hand for the most part really get along. But I think I have all these undercurrents of anger and hurts, maybe in part to some of the stuff I've been subjected to by my adoptive mom. Not horrible abusive stuff, but some negative stuff. It really all surfaced when we first met, but then it went away and I thought I had made my peace with it all, but now the anger is really resurfacing due to many factors which I could go on and on about. Some of it is she refuses to take any form of responsibility that she got pregnant in the first place, it's all HIS fault. I mean that's just immature. I can't deal with people not just being honest with themselves and others. I need to add to this later, there's just so much to say. It's just her whole me, me, me outlook about it all, no matter how I must feel as an adoptee.

As a mother I cannot fathom giving up one of my own. She went on two have two more girls but after divorcing their father she let him talk into giving him physical custody of her girls. She was a single mother struggling with two girls, but still. I was a single mother two, and I made a way. It ended up to where her ex husband kept her from the girls for several years, a real mess. She and the girls are in contact and close now, though, which is good. I really like the woman, but on other aspects I can't respect her choices, especially her choices as a mother. She is married to another man now and has a lot of health problems, which is new to me, as my adoptive family are very healthy and don't carry on about health problems and ailments like my birthmother does, which DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!

She was 16 when she had me, she had asked her parents to keep me, but they had told her no. This was back in 1969/1970. Her parents are no longer living, they passed away quite some time before meeting her. For some reason I have resentment towards them for that, I mean I just feel like a piece of unwanted trash sometimes, the fact they kind of coerced her into giving their own flesh and blood granddaughter up like that. I know this was a common occurrence back then, I read a whole book about the subject.

Another thing that bothers me is that she reads all the time, because really right now she can't do much else because of her health problems. Although I have expressed some of feelings and requests for her to read up on adoptees and the adoptee experience she has never bothered to do that, which hurts me, and in a way irritates me. She has been caring about me and my life, but she is quite self absorbed about her own experience of my birth/adoption. Never mind the hurts and pain her daughter given away for adoption tries to explain, it's all the she was the innocent lamb victim mentality and how horrible the birth father was, blah, blah, blah, and it's all HIS FAULT she got pregnant in the first place. Well, why did she date the guy then if he was that horrible, why did she repeatedly have unprotected sex with him, until "uh oh, we're pregnant". She is VERY childish and self-absorbed in that aspect of things. It's all about her. Like I said, as much as the woman reads it seems a loving thing to do would try to understand where I'm coming from, because sometimes it's like hitting up against a brick wall with her about some of my adoptee issues. On that aspect I have been quite disappointed. I mean she is generally very, very kind to me on other aspects, but she just becomes sooooo self-absorbed when it comes to the adoption. I guess it would have made me feel better if the woman expressed sincere regrets or just thinking of me every day as I've read some birthmothers did after giving up their children. She pretty much expressed she went on with her life, I was kind of like forgotten so to speak (I guess never actually forgotten), but just totally out the forefront of her mind, and just never had any true regrets about giving me up, which for some reason adds some salt to the wounds so to speak,

Okay, I've said some of my peace, there's more to say, but it would take forever.

I know this has rambled, it's just what I'm experiencing right now. I probably should go to a counselor or something to sort this all out.