|
For me, reading through what you wrote, the thing that struck me so much is that you have no one to talk to about this, about how you feel, and what you hope for the future.
I know that when I found that I was pregnant (Granted, I'm only 13 weeks along right now) I had all these thoughts and feelings, and they just went around and around in my head. The only way I was able to make sense of it all was to sit down and talk it out with my signifigant other (over many days/weeks). He listened, and was not judgemental, which helped so much.
From what it sounds like, either you have not, or can not, had a good sit down with your SO. Either he refuses to talk to you, or you just don't feel comfortable with talking to him. With all the societal influences, from your mother trying to influence your decision, to the inherent embarassment of an unplanned pregnancy (which is the one that gets me the most personally) there are so many emotions to deal with. I found it impossible to deal with it alone, I just kept spiraling my thoughts and getting no where.
I know that while I am very comfortable with my deicion to place my child for adoption, I can still feel the pressure to parent it. All the people who tell me that I will regret my decision, that I will be miserable for ever missing my child, and that I shouldn't jump to a conclusion, I listen to what they have to say, then I make myself sit down and realize that they are not me. They do not intend to make me feel bad, in fact, they are trying to give me insight into their own experiences. Only through an open and honest discussion was I able to come to terms with how everything (from what others think to my hormones, to my ultiamte goals and dreams) fit together.
So, my advice to you is either to actually talk this out with your SO, or someone you can trust (a best friend, even one you haven't seen in a while?). Including your urges to parent, how your SO would feel about that, think about how YOU would feel about that (the logical side, not the hormonally induced urge to bond with your baby). If you have always wanted to have a family one day, then consider that point as well. For me, I have not wanted to raise children, hence the perspective I have. I worry that once the hormones have worn off, I will resent the child and my need to parent the child. And no, I'm not all the way through my decision process either.
If you can't do that, then sit down with a piece of paper (it's important to write it where you can read it later) and list the pros and cons of your decision. Step away from it for a bit, add more as you think of it, and after a break, think about which list would make you happiest. It doesn't matter which is the longer list, just which you feel more comforable with. The feelings of compassion and joy for giving a loving family a child they wouldn't have otherwise, or the feelings of joy and happiness of watching your child grow up. Neither is right or wrong, it's all about what is right for you.
I am also one of the biggest advocates of the fact that I am a woman, and therefore have the right to change my mind! Raising a child is a big decision, but it's not the best decision for every one, and that's perfectly ok.
|