Hey guys!
My brain was cooked yesterday with all of the tremendous stress that has been on me these past two days, so forgive me if my response sounds nutty! I'm not sure how today is going to go but I wanted to get in here with my friends and get my "fix" to the me that needs fixing. LOL!
Quantum
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I don't know if I beleive all that they told you. Or rather, I wouldn't take it as gospel!
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I think I've held onto what they told me...held on to it like a mantra. I know see that I needed to believe it. Does that make sense? It was my panacea for when I'd get those 'panic times' when my heart would stop in my chest and I'd think too myself "OMG! Do they think I abandoned them!!!"
That's when I'd calm my heart with the mantra of "remember they told you your kids would never need you; they have each other. They won't give you a second thought".
That was my comfort and my comfort turned out to be a lie. And I would say that it was a lie I inadvertently participated in, except that I was so very young and the powers that were were telling me that this was the truth. Who was I to think different?
What a mess was made of things in the Closed Era!!!
Deep down too is the fear that if we - as birthmothers - were stuck in the "then", will our children remain stuck in it as well.
So many times I've read on here of adoptees finding their birthparents and then saying how the birthparents were druggies and convicts and poor and the like. There is always that terrible word
"were".
I was not the first two but I was the last. If it's hard for me to see past that, how will my children do it?
And why should they?
They were relinquished due to what was back "then". How can I ask them to accept that but then turn around and see me as I am "now"?
Perhaps it is I that needs to see past the "were". Most days I can accomplish that.....but some days...weeeelllll......
That probably made no sense at all did it? Good grief!
How down-in-dirt do I sound today!!! Please ignore Janey. It seems that I am on the pity pot!! Quick! Someone get me some TP! Prefereably the ultra soft variety which is thicker and would be better at muffling my insanity!!!
Dickons
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We need our past, we need to understand the reasons, all of them...we need to know that we are not flawed but that there were reasons.
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((( Dickons ))) See and that's the thing, that my children would believe that they were flawed. And I have to ask myself wouldn't I feel the same way? Yes I supposed I would.
And no. They weren't flawed. Never.
But you're right. How can they understand that if they can't hear the truth, right? I just need to find a way to tell the truth that would be honest and direct without asking for pity and without bludgeoning people to death with the facts.
Because that's not honesty; that's billegerance. Again, hope I'm making sense.
I am going to think some more on all of this that you've both so kindly provided, Q and Dickons!
As always, you guys put things so well.
It's just fear really isn't it? Fear of the unknown and behind that fear of the "what if" when the unknown becomes reality.
You know, I bet if we took our brains and put them in the heads of people who've never had to think about adoption, those people's heads would explode from the shock of it all!!!!
Love you guys much!