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We are adopting a relative who has been in fc for four years, with us for over three. She was five when she came. We often say she is "on the mild end of everything."
If we only had her, it would be a very different experience, I know. To focus on one child with special needs is one thing. To juggle those needs against the needs of children already in the home is really, really hard.
The hardest thing by far has been her effect on the children already in the home. There have been good effects, to be sure, and there will be many good memories of childhood involving the new sister, but also the already-present children have both been thrown fairly far off course of many of the positives they had going before she came.
Our youngest, who is now the middle, was affected the hardest. In all systems, there is a tendency toward homogenization--while new child has become calmer, "nicer" in terms of showing appropriate care and concern, etc., the middle child has become less patient, kind, and understanding and a bit edgier and angrier (in a child who really had no anger before) in a street way. She also shows signs of depression that I know stem from the rapid loss of innocence and household changes--including shifts in her relationship with dh and I because of the new sister's special needs--when the new child came to live with us.
Simple example: She was used to crawling into bed with us Saturday mornings. That had to stop, abruptly, because of the new sister and fc rules. We couldn't allow one and bar the other. Also jealousy issues--new sister has no sense of the ebb and flow and turn taking within family attention. To this day, our biochild can't sit with me or cuddle without new sister pulling a jealous and trying to push in, too--regardless of how much individual attention she may have just received. New sister is just always there, hovering, paying no heed to boundaries, invading every space in life--family, friends, sports, academics, interests--middle child tries to carve out for herself. We do our best to separate and teach boundaries by model and words, and there is progress, but much of it is not really enough.
That part is really hard. I truly do have some regrets in that department and I know, because I'm human, that that negatively affects my relationship with her. Understanding and empathy can be there but they don't erase reality.
The other thing that is difficult is that "the mild end of everything" is extremely wearing long term. To deal with the same twists and turns on a daily basis for years is hard. Children with a combination of FAE and RAD/attachment issues, which can manifest as ODD, can be (1) very manipulative and (2) have a difficult time carrying over behavior concepts day to day and situation to situation. Some things are just "new" every day. The foundation, both brain development and family rhythm and values is just not there. I really do have to parent differently, and that is a little sad for me and the other children, too, because there is a much more rule-based, authoritarian system going than we started out with. And what we started out with was very good, but depended on early, early foundation building for respect, responsibility, and relationship.
Those are the big downsides to me. There are many upsides, too. The introduction of a completely different and often fun personality. The amazing strength of character in her perseverence and willingness to try. The amazing amount of actual self-knowledge that a child so young can have, even given the years of therapy, it astounds me. The disconnect between what she knows about herself, how hard she tries, and the results. Watching new traits and skills unfold that even a therapist said just would never be there. The companionship she brings to middle child, the stretching and forgiving in their relationship. Someone to keep all of us honest.
I think the biggest thing involved in adopting the older child, though, and perhaps it's true of infants as well, is that you really have to go into it with a huge amount of respect for the integrity of the child's whole personhood--the entirety of their life experience, previous and current relationships, physical, mental, and emotional history and development--all of it is part of them, especially their own conscious and innate knowledge of what they can and can't/don't want to handle. I just read that and it sounds a bit fuzzy, maybe somebody else can say it more clearly, but your relationship just has to start with respect for everything the child brings with her.
Good luck on your journey. I hope things turn out well for you and your family.
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