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Originally Posted by mdesi
Okay, Please don't adopt a child. I would hate to have parents who were so interested in social and environmental causes that adoption just fell into that category. TBPH, I found a lot of your posts pretty offensive. First, all children are "natural born." There is no factory that produces children for adoption. Any adoptable child will also have natural origins. Second, the socially and environmentally sound reasons you listed for adoption makes it sound like people and children are just another item to recylce. Never adopt b/c you think it is a new and great cause for you. Given your posts and reasons stated, it would not be the responsible thing to do.
Now if you are open to learning more about adoption, and open to building your family through adoption, that is great. If you are ready to learn language that is not offensive to people in the adoption triad, this is an excellent place to do that.
Building a family through adoption is a beautiful thing to do if you are in it to build a family and love someone who will not have a biological tie unconditionally.
To answer your question about if people can love children who are not biologically tied to them as much as those who are, I can tell you that I have. I love my step son, nieces and nephews, and two friends' children with the same depth of love that I have for my family of origin. Also, many people on this board have correctly pointed out that most of us love of our spouses with a strong deep love. I know that I do, and we are definitely not tied by biology.
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First, many thanks to all who have given their thoughts and/or advice. And, my deepest appologies if any of the 'terms' I use offend anyone. I'm new to all this and learning. Also, I should clarify that my husband and I are looking to adopt a few years from now. I guess I just believe in being as prepared as humanly possible and getting as much insight and information as I can. Moving on...
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mdesi: "many people on this board have correctly pointed out that most of us love of our spouses with a strong deep love"
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Of course, I certainly love my husband deeply. We're committed to our parnership. But, there's no comparison to how I feel about him vs. our children. Given a burning building scenario, I wouldn't hesitate to save the kids before giving him a thought. The depth of love I feel toward our kids is akin to a lioness, willing to lay down her life... a passion that goes beyond rational thought. Wheras my adoration of my husband is rational. He's my best friend and partner. I'd be deluding myself if I thought that the love I feel toward everyone around me is the same. My search is to discover if, having biological children of my own, would the love I feel be akin to the familial love I feel for, say, my nephew or more akin to the partnership with my husband or would that love be able to match the fierce love I feel for the children of my womb.
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DannieAS: "The pats on the back eventually go away and then that's when parenting remains. If you're comfortable adopting a child and parenting them when everyone else has stopped congratulating you for it, then go for it"
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So, kudos for trying to save the world are not a factor. I'm even emotionally prepared for the possibility that a child we adopt may never really love me or the family. My biggest concern is
for that child. I don't want to bring them into our family if it turns out the love I feel for them would be less than the love I have for my biological children and that difference ends up hurting that adopted child. I want to help a child and love a child and give that child a family... a support network, not end up causing them more hurt because they discern a difference in how I feel about them.
MilehighDad:
Thank you. Really. I feel like you 'get' my questions and concerns. I want to help a child and give them a chance. Give them a loving and supportive family. I'm just trying to figure out if I'll love them any less than my biological kids and _if_ that's the case, would they be better off aging out of the system without a family. Which is the lesser of those two evils? And, I suppose somewhere in my heart, I know the answer is that nobody can answer that question. It'll depend on me and that child.
I suppose a more practical question would be: Is it reasonable to expect to be able to find a child that wouldn't pose a threat to the other children in my family? I understand that many of these kids come from painful circumstances. Even simply being shuffled between foster families can hurt. Were I in a circumstance to safely adopt an abused child, I'd willingly take that on, but I know that would be deeply iresponsible. And social workers able to work with families to find a child whose past circumstances would pose minimal risk to my biologicals? Is there a reasonable amount of honesty about the circumstances these kids are coming from?
Again, many thanks for everyone's resopnses so far. I know you're all coming from places of love and concern.