Hey Q!! (Using your new moniker. It reminds me of Star Trek! I like it!!)
Quote:
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But remember Janey, those supposed 'missteps' have already happened... your journey into the past can't have the same consequences as the boy in the story.
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I know what you mean. Sigh....but it's like the other day my youngest started crying and saying that she was hurt because since I regret relinquishing my kids that means I regret having her because if I would've kept them I wouldn't have met her dad and then she wouldn't be here!!
Whew! The mind of a 13 year old. It is frightening.
And then there is the doubts of should I be even thinking of reunion. Always in the back of my mind are two thoughts......or maybe they're fears masking themselves as doubt.
1. If they're happy with their lives - all of them - not just my children but their parents, siblings they may have now - all of them..........why tread on that? Why bring a past that served no purpose into their lives? I'm not saying my past as far as my children go (I could never regret them) but my history; what happened in my family that led to where I went. Why bring that to people who have no need to know of such things? Am I then stepping off the path for my own selfish reasons and hurting others in doing so? I can't see where that would be stepping correctly, if you know what I mean.
2. In trying to find two children I miss, what am I doing to the two children who are with me? How do I find balance in that without causing pain? I mean, it would simple to say: "S & T I'd like you meet your brother and sister". Who is to say that any of them would want to know each other? And why should any of them have to deal with the emotions or whatever behind that?
It rattles the brain.
See that's what I mean. I was told that my children would never need me like children adopted and raised alone. That because they were together studies had indicated that in their unique circumstance they would have none of the adjustment problems other adoptees sometimes had.
Note to any adoptees who may read this: That's not me saying you guys have adjustment problems. I would never say that!! That's just what I was told back in the day.
I feel like because of this....because they stressed that so clearly....that I have to consider it with every step I take. I was assured at every meeting with counselors (quote loosely from memory): "Your children won't ever need to know you. They have each other. They'll be able to look into each other faces and see physical traits they recognize. They'll have the bond of brother and sister and that will make a difference. They'll never come looking for you."
If they're right Q, what then?
So if I reach back into the past, what do I bring into the future for those that I love - that would be all my children?
And in all of this always is my concern for my children's parents. Maybe that seems wrong to some....I don't know. But it is there.
Thanks for listening to me prattle on.