[sak9645]

My understanding is that, first, Ukraine has to "invite" you to come to the National Adoption Center, and that it is NOT going to let you come if your paperwork indicates that you want and are approved for a healthy infant or toddler.

At this time, Ukraine's government has told the U.S. State Department that there are no available children under age three who are healthy or who have minor, correctable problems. There are few available children under age six who are healthy or who have minor, correctable problems. Ukraine is a good choice for you ONLY if you are open to a school aged child or a child with significant special needs.

If you are invited to the National Adoption Center, you will be shown books of available children and asked to select one or more to visit. Some people have reported finding no children that met their criteria in terms of age or health status, although some of these people may have had unrealistic expectations.

Be aware that the people at the National Adoption Center have the right to show you whichever books they wish, and that they may show you some children with fairly serious special needs, or much older children, first, since these are the children they really want to place with permanent, loving families. While you may eventually be shown some children who are a bit younger and healthier, don't count on it.

You will be allowed to visit an orphanage ONLY if you select one or more children from the books, whom you think you can parent. These children may be located in orphanages in different parts of the country, which could make your trip a bit arduous.

As the previous poster said, not all children in an orphanage are adoptable. Some may have families and may be staying there temporarily, until family situations improve. Some may not have proper documents, proving that they have had a valid relinquishment, that they are orphaned, etc. Some may not meet U.S. immigration requirements. Therefore, you are not going to be allowed to walk through the orphanage and choose another child, if you don't like the one you came to visit.

In short, if you don't see a child in the books that you want to visit, or if you visit some children and don't think you can parent them, you may have to go home without a child. This would be heartbreaking and expensive, but remember that it may be the best decision. Don't let yourself feel pressured into taking a child whose needs you simply can't meet. That is a formula for family disaster.

Choosing your own child is not a particularly good way to adopt. Most people who try to "pick" a child do not really know how to go about doing so. The cute child who runs up and hugs them could well be a child with significant reactive attachment disorder, for example; a more typical child would be frightened of a stranger. A child with RAD can be very difficult to parent, and may need lots of therapy. The child with RAD often has superficial charm that is used for manipulating others, but cannot bond to parents in a normal way.

The child who looks simply awful, on the contrary, with green slime emerging from his nose, a barking cough, some scabby sores, terribly skinny limbs, and some speech delays may actually be the perfect child for the family. Minor respiratory infections, intestinal parasites that rob nutrients, skin irritations, minor delays, and so on are very typical in institutionalized kids, and are very easily treated.

If one member of a couple wants to choose a particular child, and the other doesn't, there can be quite a good bit of strain on the marriage. If the spouse who wants the child prevails, and the child turns out to have significant problems, there could be blame and recriminations. And if the spouse who does not want the child prevails, and the family goes home without a child, there may be years of "what ifs" and fantasies that can create great tension.

When you are in a foreign country, especially if you don't speak the language, don't have medical background, don't have a guide you can trust, etc., you may not be able to get reliable answers to your questions about a child. And while you may be able to send small amounts of information to a U.S. doctor to aid in making a decision, you may also be pressured to make that decision immediately.

In many cases, it is better to get a referral, via an adoption agency, from a country that has a referral system. You can then evaluate the information in familiar surroundings, sending documents to doctors, investigating medical and educational services in your community, and so on.

Interestingly, most countries and most agencies do NOT allow you to choose your own child, for these very reasons. There is too much risk that parents will vote with their hearts instead of their good sense, and make decisions that are not in the best interests of a child or in their own best interests.

Ukraine is one of the few countries that allow a modified choose your own child process. And while it works for some families, it should be considered high risk and not for the faint of heart.

Sharon