[sak9645]

Do remember that all orphanages are different and all provinces are different.

When I adopted my daughter from the Xiamen (Fujian province) SWI, we went to the orphanage, but were not allowed to see the children's living quarters. Groups were coming in and out on a very tight schedule. A group was leaving as we entered, and we were rushed through the process because another group was coming as we were leaving.

When we got to the orphanage, we were ushered into a beautiful, circular reception room with lots of windows and two semicircles of rose brocade sofas. Each family was asked to sit on a sofa. Almost immediately, a nanny brought in a baby and announced her/his name (yes, we had a surprise boy in our group); she was then handed to the family and the nanny left. This went on until all the babies were handed out to our five families.

At that point, everyone withdrew a bit to give the families a chance to inspect their babies for a minute or two, and take some photos. Then, nannies made a circuit of the room to answer questions, but we were warned to ask only one or two questions, as time was short. Staff then made another circuit of the room to collect the orphanage donation and gifts, and we were ushered out.

The married sister of one single woman who was adopting faked an urgent need to use the bathroom, in hopes of seeing more of the orphanage by "getting lost". However, she was escorted to the bathroom, and directly back to the reception room, and saw nothing but a hall.

This incident took place soon after the film, "The Dying Rooms", was aired; it enraged the Chinese, and it is possible that the orphanage staff were concerned about having other people use hidden cameras and misrepresent what was occurring, as they believed was the case with the British crew that made the film. However, it is also possible that the staff were worried about bringing illness into the orphanage. We asked about seeing the children's living areas, but were denied that privilege, despite the fact that the SWI was considered to be a "model" facility.

In the afternoon, after we had some time back at the hotel with our children, we went to a provincial office to finalize the adoption. Again, there was no opportunity for discussion of our children's history or habits.

We five families entered a conference room, which had a conference table with chairs around it in the center of the room, and then a row of chairs along three of the walls of the room. The families were asked to sit along the wall on one side of the room. Sitting at the table were provincial and orphanage officials (all male).

One family at a time was asked to approach the table and sit down. That family was then asked a few questions. Basically, the answers to these questions were in our dossier, but the officials wanted to hear them for themselves. Thus, I was asked how much I earned in a year, and whether I planned to send my daughter to college. (I didn't really like having to state my salary in front of all my travel group colleagues, but most of them were so busy with their kids that I doubt they were even listening.)

Once each family was questioned, we were all asked to come up to the table to sign various forms. Our guide translated the forms, and we signed them. Then we were all asked to promise to love our kids and never abandon them. At that point, we were told that we were now parents, and that our documents would be ready at the end of the week! We were then led out of the room.

I did not learn that my daughter was abandoned at 9.5 months of age until I received her abandonment certificate, at the end of the week. She was 18.5 months old when I met her, and I had just assumed that she had been in care for her whole life.

However, seeing this information confirmed something I had suspected -- that this child had been loved very much. Once she got over her shock and grief, she proved to be such a huggy/kissy/smiley child that she HAD to have gotten a lot of attention at some point, and I just didn't see the orphanage as having provided that attention. She also seemed to have some very clear notions about what a Mommy "should" do, that it didn't surprise me to find out that she might have spent half her life with her birth family.

Needless to say, I wish I knew why my daughter was abandoned. The one-child policy clearly was a possibility, because the timing suggested the birth of a son. However, she was also somewhat sickly, and her health could have been a factor. But death or illness of a parent, divorce, or any number of other situations might have been the cause. I hope, someday, to find and thank the folks who gave my daughter so much love.

All in all, I learned next to nothing about my daughter at the orphanage or the government office. I asked two questions, plus one about my first referral (which was withdrawn when the child was adopted domestically), and the answers were very misleading.

I learned about my daughter through living with her, and you will, too, no matter how much you are told at the orphanage. So don't sweat the questions. It doesn't really matter if the staff tell you what she ate or how often she moved her bowels; you'll find that out, soon enough, if you are attentive to your child's cues.

Sharon