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I find this thread very interesting. I am aware of the concerns of the adopting parent. Last year I finally made contact after 15 years of silence with the birthmom and current "mother" of my daughter. The adopted dad must be going crazy right now. I guess I took them by complete surprise. Although there was no drug/alcohol abuse, I think they thought this day would never come for some reason. This leads me to believe that they did NO research about the entire adoption process.
I also think back to the day when I "authorized" the adoption of my daughter... what kind of background check did they require to let this man adopt her? I was very young, as was the Adad, and I think we didn't look for support. Should I have done a background check on the Adad? Well, I assumed that because of his background (or the information that I got) that he would be fine and stable, more so than I at the time.
He married my ex, and along with her came my daughter. Was he so wrapped up in getting married that he didn't do ant research about what may happen down the road. From everything I read, most achildren do search for their bios.
It took me 10 years to get the nerve up to make contact, and express my feelings. I know the Adad is hurt by what is going on. I hope that this "hurt" doesn't affect my daughter, and keep her from the things she wants out of life.
I struggle from time to time as what is best for my daughter...the answer is honesty.
Teenagers must be the most difficult. I as a teenager, wanted NOTHING to do with my parents, and up until last year, I didn't (my father is still my father, but still dealing with that...he's in prison for life).
I do feel that our egos are the number one problem in the world on many levels.
I do not discount the fact that the Adad has been there from day one (although it was really like day 800) but the adad is assuming that I saw her picture last year and started thinking about making contact....This is so far from the truth...I had to "deal" with my decision from day... I don't know, what is 9x30=?
The shame, guilt and unhappiness that came along with that decision.
My silence was based on the birthmom's decision that I should never contact her. So, it took me these years to realize that a decision made at 21 is much like the decision of a teen.
I can sympathize with your reservations, and think that allot of this is based on your fears. We all fear. The only way to overcome fear is to learn about your fear. If it is something you don't understand, learn about it.
Be honest with yourself and those around you, and you'll find that we are all the same.
just my un-educated two cents.
I am glad that you have turned to the forum for support, and you'll find it.
It isn't about me, it's about my daughter.
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