Hey guys! Hugs to ya!
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I'm amazed at how many of us (on all sides othe adoption equation) turn to alcohol to "deal" with "the hole". I'm just realizing that it's better to embrace the pain then spend years trying to "numb" it.
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Yeah bud - but it just goes to show how great your pain must've been. Ya know? And most of us did it in some fashion I'm sure. Buried ourselves in a hole of booze of drugs of denial. It's all symptoms of the same disease; the same sorrow.
I've thought a lot, you know, about why I married an alcoholic. I think on some level it was a subliminal understanding that in marrying him the demands of emotional commitment would be "deadish" (forgive that made up word). But I didn't have the capacity or the strength after the surrender of two children to do anything but drift and pretend I was shiny, white and respectable.
Of course I wasn't. Not at all. Because it was pretend.
But hey, we can only know what we know at the time; can only handle what we can.
And in admitting what we were and learning to forgive ourselves, we do make amends; not just to others but most importantly to ourselves.
In honor of you (and I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are) a song that's really a poem (IMO) from the brilliant
Alice In Chains
Down in a hole:
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom
Down in a hole and I dont know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You dont understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
Down in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath