Dear Emmacj,
I personally don't think you need to apologize to anyone for your post. IMO - it was heartfelt and poignant. You are asking honest questions about feelings have you have every right to feel.
You asked if your mom ever looked at you that way. I of course cannot answer for her but I will answer from my own experience if that is okay.
I am a bmom - a double surrenderer. There have been times when I have held my raised daughters and wondered about my son and daughter. I think of them everyday...as I have from teh moment I left the hospital. For a time they were frozen in my thoughts, frozen as little babies and I would wonder what kind of babyfood they liked. If they - like their sisters - hated Gerber peas. If they - like their sisters - watched Sesame Street. Little things like that crossed my mind all the time.
When my eldest daughter had her first baby, I wondered what labor was like for my 2nd daughter (whom I relinquished). I hoped that she had an easier time of it.
I do not know if other bparents think of their children - though the bmoms and bdads I've met in here certainly do.
I hope that helps a little. My heart goes out to you as you try to find peace in all of this. I think that Dpen6 is very wise in what she says too about finding oneself despite what everyone else says or does.
It just takes some time to be able to reach that point is all.
But if it will help, I send you this hug (((( Emmacj ))))
I also send a prayer for peace for you today!
