Hi Kalee! Hugs to ya! ((( Kalee )))
I'm Janey, a birthmom in here.
First I wanted to say that it's okay sweetie to be scared. It's perfectly all right and I totally understand why you would be. You've faced a lot in a short time and now you have this little guy in your life too.
I know what it takes to get up the resolve to relinquish a child. I know the thing you have to tell yourself in order to be able to do it and then to have the couple back out! That's a lot to deal with right there.
My first thought when I read your post was actually a couple of words - pathetic though they will seem. But here they are and they're said with much compassion and kindness to you:
Kalee, take just a few minutes to slow down and catch your breath. Just a few minutes. Take a seat somewhere in your house/apartment, close your eyes and just give yourself a minute or two. Tell yourself that no matter what, it'll be all right because it will be. I know it doesn't seem so right at this second.
But just let the world spin while you take some time to rest your mind. That would be my first and most important advice to you. It is too hard to make a decision straight out of the gate. You need just a small amount of time to regroup. Put the panic at bay sweetheart. The problems you have now will be there in a moment. First you need to have just a tiny bit of peace.
Know that there are many women who've walked in your shoes and understand.
I understand completely about things being overwhelming. And I think it takes a great deal of courage to be able to admit that and a great deal of maturity to know it. So kudos to you for that.
On deciding what to do, I guess there are two ways to go obviously.
If you have changed your mind and want to raise your baby, that is totally understandable...totally and completely. Adoption is a very hard plan to make and extremely hard to carry out. If you've found that you now can't go through with it, that's okay sweetie. That's all right. Can your parents help you at all?
Or can you get State Aid? Do you have access to a phonebook? If so, can you call the State and talk with them about getting help with food and housing? Perhaps the State you live in has an emergency number? Or United Way maybe? I'm not sure if we're allowed to name any specific charitable organizations but that's one that comes to mind. Sometimes a simple phone call can lead a person to the help they so desperately need. And being armed with knowledge of what you can get help-wise and what you can't is half the battle, IMO.
If you are thinking though that you are not in a position to raise your son, I understand and empathize with that too.
I am thinking that you worked with an agency regarding the adoption? Can you call them? If you feel that you cannot handle raising the baby right now, is it possible to contact one of the other couples you'd been talking too? Perhaps they have not adopted yet and would welcome the chance to raise your son.
((( Kalee ))) Sweetie, it's going to be okay. Remember that. Right now, things are desparate for you and that I get....believe me....I get that.
There are lots of good people in here who are extremely knowledgeable about adoption. I'm sure they will be jumping in here shortly to give you their words of wisdom.
Also, you might want to contact one of the women here who's a bmom and a therapist. Her screenname is bromanchik. She is very smart and kind and has a wealth of understanding on what you're going through.
Hugs to you sweetie!! Keep posting and whatever else you do....honestly....just sit down and take a moment to breath.
This is tough stuff and you need some peace.
Much hugs to you today!
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Janey
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