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The "will/way" works for both situations. If you have a specific set of ideas about parenting there's a way, and if you have a specific set of ideas regarding how the adoption should go, there's a way there as well.
Basically don't let anyone (like an agency or your friends) tell you you can't do it. And this applies to career, grades, everything.
Someone somewhere will know/have something that will help you achieve whatever goal you set for yourself.
If you feel strongly about something, then stay true to that goal. Opportunities will open up and come your way. It may be a little wait, and a little work, and a little sacrifice, but you can make your goals happen.
I was referring to both parenting AND placing. Too often I hear bmoms get fearful of their approaching due date, as if their choice expires once the baby is born. I say, take your time, make sure it's the right choice. You can always change your mind about parenting. Adoption is forever.
As bad as birthparents have felt when they change their mind and it's too late, there is also much grief on the aparents end, having bonded with the baby and being unable to part with the child and knowing that it is causing the birthparents unending, extreme grief.
I couldn't be part of an adoption, where I felt the birthparents weren't sure of their decision. Because I don't think I could give the baby back, and I couldn't live with myself knowing how much grief I was causing the birth parents by not reversing the adoption. I would forever hate myself.
That to me would be the exact definition of Hell. So, in a way it's self-serving for me to advise Emoms to choose carefully and confidently. It just saves grief all the way around.
I think Kathy, that your birthson was validating your choices. At the time, all your hopes and dreams of what the adoption would be for him and the reasons for placing for you, were accomplished just as you'd hoped (according to his opinion).
I think he was simply saying "good job, mission accomplished" more or less. I don't think he meant to minimize the grief or loss aspect. I also don't think he meant to say, "you're right, life with you wouldn't have been great".
I know my dd would likely tell her bmom the same thing. Because what she wanted for my dd's life couldn't have been done by anyone but us. Not that she wouldn't have loved life with her bmom, it just would have been MUCH different, and she wouldn't have the right tools to overcome her very unique challenges. It's so funny because the issues she has match up perfectly with our families strengths. And our particular unique tools.
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